Avoiding dating because afraid of making the same mistakes
Dear Lori and Jeff,
I quickly fell in love with my college sweetheart and we married right after we graduated. The marriage slowly deteriorated and we hung on for much longer than we should have. We finally ended things and I’m now a year out from the divorce. I feel like I’m ready to meet someone and have been dating for the last few months, but I’m so overwhelmed. I’m afraid if I connect with anyone I’ll fall too fast and make the same mistake again. So after a few dates I’m finding myself pulling away or coming up with excuses to cut it off. I really do want a relationship, but won’t let myself get attached. Please help.
Signed, Once Bitten
Dear OB,
Lori and Jeff: The first thing you need to do is to define your “why” for committing to another long-term relationship. Do you want to settle down to start a family? Are you wanting a deeper connection with a partner or do you enjoy being single but are feeling pressure from everyone else to “get serious?”
Lori: Bailing on these guys is how you’re keeping yourself “safe” when you don’t trust that you can do so in another way. The first step is to recognize that the girl who fell a little too fast the last time is not the woman you are today. You may not be able to trust the 19-year-old version of yourself to make important, adult decisions, but you should work towards trusting who you are now. Take time to reflect on decisions you’ve made over the last few years (including finally following through on the divorce). Give yourself credit for the positive, healthy choices you’ve made and take time to explore what you learned about yourself through mistakes.
A year is a solid amount of time before getting back into dating, but only if you’ve utilized that time by getting to know who you are as the woman in the mirror today. What did she appreciate about her ex? What does she need to feel or experience differently in the next relationship? How does she want to grow as an individual in this chapter of life, and how does she want a partner to support her in that growth? The more you know yourself, the more confident you’ll be that you’re opening yourself up to the right people.
Jeff: It might be time to determine what’s most important to you in your life—to establish your personal values. In several of her books, Brené Brown offers some great guidance in this process as a way to build a better decision-making platform so you can trust that you’re choosing things (and people) based on what you authentically believe at your core to be most important. Next, make a list of non-negotiable things you want in a partner and committed relationship and use that list to help you decide who would be a good match.
It also sounds like you don’t think you can trust the guy with whom you might impulsively end up. Sure, the one you married in college might not have the clearest sense of his own values or direction in life, but there are definitely guys out there who have done their own work in figuring out what’s most important to them and who are on their chosen path. Your mission—should you choose to accept it—is to find one of them. When you feel like things may be getting serious, ask him to come up with his own list of non-negotiables. This will help reassure you that he knows what he wants and what’s important to him. If your list and his are way off, you know it’s time to move on. If your lists are similar, stay the course and see where things go.
Lori and Jeff: Remember that all relationships are a choice you make every day. Just because you hung on to the last one for too long doesn’t mean you can’t safely exit the next after 3 weeks, 3 months or 3 years. But we can guarantee that you’re never going to meet the right guy if you don’t open your heart and trust in yourself that you’ll be okay.