Dear Readers,

Lori and Jeff: The beginning of each new year has become synonymous with setting resolutions. We‘re inspired and excited to create fresh starts, set new growth goals, and move into that next best evolution of ourselves and our lives. But our dreams of great change for the next year can be stifled before we even get through the first month. The most common hurdles to success are creating goals that are too big or lofty, not having a clearly defined objective, lacking a concrete plan and doing it alone without support and accountability. For those of you seeking to improve connection in your relationship or marriage, we’d like to give you a solid starting place that addresses some of these barriers.

The Functional Love model we’ve developed for working with clients conceptualizes communication and connection as happening at two levels. We call them above the line and below the line. Above the line consists of words, actions and observable data. In reference to connection, above the line includes how much time a couple spends together, what they are doing or saying during that time, and what logistically gets in the way such as work schedules, caring for children and finances. Below the line are feelings, fears, stories and vulnerabilities. These felt experiences are often very subtle and work on a subconscious level to influence how you show up above the line. If you and your partner have agreed that you’d both like more connection but haven’t been able to make consistent efforts to create it, it’s time to look below the line.   

To create positive shifts in your relationship, we invite you to begin this new year by embracing the role of editor. Many of the barriers and blocks we experience in relationships are related to stories we’ve unconsciously written and adopted about our partners. Let’s take a moment to explore what stories are and why we create them. Much of how we assess what is happening in our world is through subconscious processing. Our brains are designed to sort information quickly, which often entails integrating pieces of information that are present and available with the stories we create by subconsciously filling in the blanks.

This is why we can see an object with four legs and a platform and know it’s used for sitting, regardless of its particular shape and without ever having to say the word “chair” in our minds. There is simply too much information to process all at once, so we are only able to function in the world through our ability to make constant, partially-informed assumptions. This essential adaptation however tends to serve us less well in relationships. The brain's instinct to look for and label patterns means that we also have tendencies to fill in blanks and to create stories about our partner’s actions, motives and feelings.

“He always…, She never…, She doesn’t care as much as I do, I can’t rely on him to…I always have to…, I’m in trouble again, It’s never enough for him.”

Partners who have been together for more than a few months will begin to write these kinds of narratives. They play as tapes in our heads when we feel vulnerable in the relationship and when there is tension, conflict or distance. These stories aren’t fact or fiction, but rather our interpretations and assumptions. The problem with these stores is that they consistently register subconsciously as being true and our belief in them builds over time. We become bad scientists who only notice evidence that supports the narrative and minimize or disregard the data that challenges it. Even neutral actions or words from our partner can be misinterpreted through our stories. As long as these narratives run unchecked in the background, they impact how we show up and engage. We are more likely to be more tentative, reserved and protected, and less curious, open and generous.

Start 2024 with a clean sheet. Take the first few weeks of the year to notice what your stories are about your partner, your relationship and even yourself. As a helpful hint, we typically create 3-5 core story themes about our partners. Once you’ve identified them, start to explore each one. When did it first emerge? Is it always accurate, or still relevant? When may this story just be an assumption? How would you know if the story wasn’t true? If you need help challenging and rewriting your narrative, ask your partner for help. “I recognize I have this narrative and I’m not sure if it’s accurate. Can you help me see exceptions to it or help me fill in the blank as to why this happens with a different perspective.” The key to talking about our stories is to own them. Creating space to explore assumptions can be a little awkward or uncomfortable but when done in the spirit of wanting to grow and connect, it becomes a powerful tool for strengthening your bond. Once stores are brought into the light, they lose their power and allow partners to show up more fully with and for each other.