Dear Jeff and Lori,

Everyone who meets my wife loves her immediately. She has always been a little more social than me and is continuously making new friends. I’ve learned to be comfortable with all of her connections, knowing that I need to support her in being herself. However, I recently saw text messages on her phone from a guy that to me crossed a line. They have been communicating frequently, he calls her beautiful, and alludes to conversations about things she has been struggling with that I’m not even sure I fully know about. When I confronted her, she assured me they were just friends and that he knows she is happily married. She said he’s a very kind person who works at a non-profit where she volunteers and that I’m simply reading the situation wrong. I don’t believe she has done anything physical with him, but their interactions feel inappropriate. It’s making me not trust her even more that she won’t acknowledge how I feel. How can I get her to see that?

Signed, Vexed By Texts

Dear VBT,

Lori and Jeff: The space between an emotionally meaningful friendship and an emotional affair can feel rather murky. The reality is that many friendships are built on emotional intimacy, so protecting the relationship from slippery slopes requires partners to be proactive and collaborative.

Lori: The first step is getting crystal clear on what it is you are wanting her to see (acknowledge). You may ultimately be wanting her to validate your feelings, but in the context of conversation, be asking her to admit that she is wrong. In her truth, she may not have crossed any lines or been inappropriate. So telling her she has to admit wrongdoing for you to trust her means she has to choose between honoring her truth and disappointing you or inauthentically telling you what you want to hear. Move the conversation out of this chess match by using language focused on your felt experience: “I’m feeling vulnerable and uncertain about this friendship.” By focusing on your emotional experience you invite validation and empathy and create an opportunity to discuss resolution: “Can we talk about ways to help me feel more comfortable with your interacting with him.” In every relationship there needs to be space for two truths at the emotional level. In other words, both of your felt experiences are true and valid even if they don’t appear to align.

Couples often experience friction when an unclear boundary line is touched. Instead of allowing the experience to divide you, be curious together about what needs clarification. Definitions of fidelity are personal and unique to each couple. There are often obvious lines around sex, but boundaries around more nuanced interactions with others is rarely proactively defined. This is particularly true with emotional connections. Reflect on what specifically feels different about this friendship and ask her what her perceptions are of where the line between friendship and more exists. Move away from right and wrong to conceptualizations and preferences in order to find the middle ground that works for both of you.

Jeff: I’m curious if you feel the lines have been crossed because you haven’t been able to create that kind of emotional intimacy with your wife and she’s found another man to confide in. If this is the case, you’ll need to ask your wife if you are meeting her emotional needs and, if not, how you can show up differently so that she doesn’t need to go outside of the marriage to feel emotionally fulfilled. In our practice, one of the most common discontents that women express is the lack of emotional vulnerability of their male partners. Sure, it’s a cliché, but most men just don’t relate to their emotional experiences in the same ways as women do. Whether it’s permission, modeling, familiarity or a myriad of other reasons, it’s often a product of gender socialization where men tend not to be taught how or encouraged to understand and express their felt experiences. Thankfully this is changing–albeit slowly–but you may not currently have the awareness or tools that leave your wife feeling confident in your emotional intelligence. This can also change. Let your wife know that you are working toward developing this part of yourself and you want to be able to create a deeper level of emotional intimacy with her.

I would also ask that you reflect on your projections of culpability. Are you suspicious of your wife’s intentions or the other man’s intentions? Or perhaps both? Maybe getting to know the “transgressor” and spending time with him and your wife together will assuage your concerns. It may also serve to send a message that the bond you and your wife share is healthy and strong.

Jeff and Lori: You may feel more vulnerable because you’ve never met this man, or because it feels like he knows more about some aspects of your wife than you do. Once you are clear about what feels off, you can make specific requests to address your needs and to set clear boundaries.