Phone Secrets

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have been married for six years and, for the most part, have a good marriage. I believe we truly love each other and the only real sticking point seems to be his phone and some of the social media apps he uses. There always seems to be some level of secrecy when he’s on his phone and I feel bad asking him who he’s chatting with or what he’s looking at but when I do, he says it’s none of my business. He said he’d let me look through his phone but I don’t want to be “that” wife and I’d imagine he’s already figured out ways to cover his tracks. I don’t want to indulge in the suspicious thoughts I have but there are too many little signs that make me think they are real. What should I do?

Signed, Married To An iPhony

Dear MTAi,

Lori and Jeff: Technology presents challenges for many couples. Some experience tension over the amount of time one or both partners is immersed in their screens, while others struggle with boundaries and trust. The online gray areas are vast, and transgressions can range from seemingly innocent “likes” to full emotional and sexual digital affairs.

Lori: You present your marriage as good, yet there is significant cause for concern if you’re unable to have honest conversations. You’re carrying around the weight of uncertainty and tiptoeing around your needs for clarity. Stop this pattern of intermittently asking who he’s engaging with and initiate a real conversation. Own any of your own vulnerabilities and insecurities but be very clear in communicating the narrative you have that he is approaching or crossing boundaries with his phone. Give him an opportunity to explore without judgment what behavior he is engaging in and have the maturity to discuss what felt experience it creates for both of you. The real sticking point in your relationship is not his phone, but your inability to talk about it.

You also need to understand what you're wanting for resolution. What will make you feel safe? For couples who have experienced transgressions, we have established a few helpful principles for moving forward. First, the partner who has crossed lines needs to identify the underlying drivers of the behavior and what they will do differently moving forward to prevent transgressions from happening again. This has to be a deeper exploration and commitment than “I just won’t message women” or “I’ll delete this app.” Second, traditionally monogamous couples tend to operate well under the agreement that spouses need to be willing to invite each other to be part of any relationship outside of the marriage including friends, coworkers and on-line acquaintances. Partners thrive in having some individuality with their own friends, associates and activities, but separate aspects of life can and should operate with transparency and without secrecy.

Jeff: The first thing you need to do is establish some specific boundaries, not only around social media use, but also around what the agreed upon definition of fidelity is in your relationship. Although this should be done by all couples at the beginning of their relationships, most make assumptions that their partners have the same beliefs and preferences that they do. Even though it becomes more difficult the longer you wait, it still needs to be done at some point to establish a baseline from which you can commit to appropriate choices and behaviors. This definition may be different for any given couple, but it still needs to be discussed so that you both know you’re on the same page. Even with more alternative relationship styles that might include additional partners or external experiences, there still need to be clear boundaries about what is acceptable or there will be no way to avoid the inevitability of hurt feelings.

The second is to have a conversation about whether each of you are getting your needs met, or if either of you is looking outside of the marriage for approval, validation or even sexual fulfillment. This is undoubtedly one of the most challenging conversations a couple can have, but without it, the resentment from unmet needs can create a painful wedge that is often irreparable. It takes courage and commitment to show up with the necessary level of vulnerability to be able to ask your partner for what you authentically need, but the easy way out of secretly looking elsewhere for those needs will ultimately be more difficult than facing the truth.

Lori and Jeff: The longer you avoid addressing this issue, the more space you create to build stories, wounds and resentments. You and your husband love each other, so give your marriage a fighting chance and learn to talk about the tough topics. Be curious about his perceptions, feelings and needs and decide together where the boundaries lie that honor both your marriage and yourselves.