Understanding Attachment

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My long term partner and I recently took an online quiz to begin assessing our attachment patterns. We’ve read numerous articles and have listened to podcasts about attachment styles and were hoping that knowing our patterns would help improve our relationship. I lean more anxious and he’s higher on avoidant. It feels in some ways we’ve become more frustrated with each other and ourselves because, even though we’ve identified this, we don’t know what to do with it. We keep having the same conflict patterns and maybe were overly optimistic that knowing about our attachment styles would have resolved some of our issues. What can we do to actually create some change?

Signed, Attachment Newbie

Dear AN,

Lori and Jeff: For readers less familiar with this topic, attachment styles are four identified patterns for how individuals subconsciously manage vulnerability and stress in relationships. They are Secure, Anxious, Avoidant and Disorganized and correlate to the fight, flight and freeze responses of the nervous system. Anxious attachment has more fight energy, or need for resolution through engagement. Avoidant attachment is more aligned with flight or freeze with tendencies to withdraw or shut down. Those with disorganized attachment often alternate between intense anxious and avoidant tendencies. These patterns develop early in childhood as a means to cope with emotionally uncertain or threatening experiences. The good news is they are not set in stone and with awareness and effort, individuals can become increasingly more secure.

Lori: The power of putting a name to your patterns is that it helps to create a conceptualization of what is occurring in the moment and opens the door for more awareness and exploration. But change does not occur simply from learning the terminology. Being able to label a felt sense of lethargy, heavy eyes and foggy brain as “tired” is useful in that when we and others hear “tired,” there’s a shared understanding of what interventions need to occur. However, that understanding is the result of two processes. The first is that we have to be self-aware and introspective enough to know and recognize the signs and symptoms. Just as there will be some general overlap between what tired feels like for you and I, there may also be some differences. I may become restless or irritable as you become quiet and withdrawn. Similarly, anxious attachers in general will feel increased stress in periods of relationship disconnect, but how that discomfort shows up may vary from one individual to another. The first step in making change is understanding exactly what is happening for you in your protective states—what you are thinking, what fear stories are emerging and what physical sensations are arising. Anxious attachers often demonstrate their discomfort more overtly, while avoidant attachers experience the same level of discomfort but turn inward.

Once you have a deeper understanding of how your attachment patterns are actually felt, you can begin to develop more effective soothing strategies. Focus on calming both the brain and body. Construct mantras or positive self-talk statements that address the fear narratives such as  “I’m safe,” “My partner loves me” or “We’re a team and I’m not alone.” To reground the nervous system, slow your breathing and tune into your senses. Take a few moments to connect your body into the present moment and the space around you. When we slow down and tune-in, we reinforce the notion that we are safe, encouraging the shift from a fight/flight/freeze protective response to being back into our authentic, grounded self.

Jeff: A very important thing to consider is that, sometimes, a little bit of information is more dangerous than none at all. Several weeks ago we wrote about partners diagnosing each other with a minimal amount of information and the damage it can cause. The same goes for attachment styles. The knowledge gleaned from attachment assessments can be very helpful in understanding each other’s protective patterns but not in a way that can be weaponized by shaming, blaming or accusing your partner with the labels you’ve created for them.

Once you’ve developed awareness about yourself and the protective patterns you default to when in conflict (as Lori described above), the next step is to figure out what kind of behavior, language and tone from your partner might trigger your emotional flight or fight response—your protective pattern. Then each of you can share this new understanding so you can work toward creating a safe and supportive space to help you soothe within the relationship.

Incorporating this shared information into the relationship revolves mostly around communication. The key is to recognize when conflict creates a protective response and be willing to take whatever time and space is needed to de-escalate to the point where you can find empathy and compassion for what your partner is experiencing. Once you’ve come back together, it is crucial to have a “generous interpretation” of your partner’s experience. Understand that their response or reaction is never completely about the event or what was said or done, but is significantly influenced by their past history and the ways they learned to cope with it. Each partner needs to be able to express their felt experience, owning their part in it by acknowledging that some of it came from these patterned responses that were learned years ago. Remember, there is no room for shaming, blaming or finger pointing. The other then validates that experience. It doesn't mean they accept fault or say they are wrong, they impart that what the other experienced makes sense based on a combination of the particular event and their triggered protective response. Once both partners have shared their experience and received validation, real resolution become possible.

Lori and Jeff: Understanding attachment patterns can help create new ways of soothing when conflict arises, both on an individual level and within a relationship. In order for the latter to happen, a place where empathy and validation can exist must be found.