He's not ready for kids

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My husband has consistently been slow to commit throughout our relationship. He was hesitant to transition from dating to being in a relationship, to move in together and to get engaged. But in retrospect has always acknowledged being glad he did. Before we got married, I told him how important it was to me to get pregnant in the next two years because I want at least two children and am getting older. We’ve now been married a year and he again is resisting moving forward. He says he wants kids but isn’t ready yet. I know once he’s a dad he’s going to be great. He says he loves the life we have now and isn’t ready for the extra responsibility. I keep telling him no one is ever truly ready for their first kid and he just needs to have a little courage. How can I help him be more confident in becoming a dad soon?

Signed, Ready for Baby

Dear RFB:

Jeff and Lori: There are numerous reasons why men, who truly want children in the future, don't feel ready today. However, there are a few primary themes to which this resistance is often related, including: anticipated financial/ job stress, worry of losing connection with their spouse, community, or parts of themself, insecurity about their ability to parent well, stress over added responsibilities and less freedom to play and adventure.

Lori: I can appreciate the pressure you feel to adhere to a biological timeline, but take a deep breath and get some perspective. Choosing to have a baby shouldn’t be based on your needs, but rather on those of the child you're bringing into your family. That little life needs to be most important. In a marriage in which you have the benefit of planning for a child, why would you potentially compromise the quality of your baby’s life? I often hear women in your position discuss how important it is to have time to plan for two children so they have siblings. Let’s back up and focus on how it’s more important for a child to feel wanted by both parents. In my career as a therapist, I’ve never had someone come to me for challenges stemming from not having had a brother or sister, but I can’t count how many clients have been impacted by an emotionally unavailable parent.

If you keep pushing your agenda and minimizing or dismissing your husband’s feelings, you may experience significant unintended consequences. He isn’t saying he’s nervous about becoming a dad, he’s clearly communicating that he isn’t ready for that role. Stop trying to convince him that his feelings aren’t real. If you push for what you want now, you very well may end up with an uninvolved, detached father for your child or creating resentments that sow the seeds for divorce down the road. I’m sorry that you’re stressed and in no way am I minimizing the importance of this dream and role for you. But if you try to soothe your anxiety or urgency by demanding or manipulating for what you want, then perhaps you’re the one that’s not ready to take on the inherently selfless role of being a parent.

Jeff: As I contemplate your question, I realize there’s the possibility that I’ll start sounding like a proverbial broken record with my response. And it is, once again, not an excuse for men, but an observation of a changing reality: men are having a more difficult time figuring out how to be in the world. With the redefining of roles and expectations, men are faced with having to find different reasons for their choices, including whether or not and when to have kids. In more traditional family systems, men were assigned (often rather willingly) the roles of worker and breadwinner, while their female counterparts were the primary parent and caregiver. Having kids and being fathers simply came with the territory, and often didn’t require a tremendous amount of thought or involvement as being at work all day didn’t afford them a lot of time to be with their kids. These days, with both parents sharing the money making and parenting responsibilities, men are now having to more intentionally consider their reasons for having kids. Because it’s not a familiar dynamic, men often avoid the process and it can appear to manifest as a fear of commitment, rather than the real discomfort of an unknown situation. Additionally, men have less of a biological drive to raise children than women do, so it can require much more of an intellectual contemplation to arrive at the decision point to start a family.

For your specific situation, it’s important to understand that when your husband says he’s not ready to have kids, it may be that he’s still exploring his why. Be willing to have conversations where you can share your reasons for having kids that are more substantial than just the ticking of the time clock. Talk about what it would mean to you to start a family now and be curious about how he thinks it would impact him.

Lori and Jeff: You have to accept that this is the man you chose to marry, and your marriage is the foundation for any family that you build. Denying his experience isn’t going to move him forward, but encouraging and supporting him to explore what might be under the surface could. As a couple, your main focus needs to be learning to communicate and making it safe for each of your feelings and needs to be heard. Learning to truly emotionally support one another is likely the best way for you as a couple to be ready for a baby.