Not settling for good enough
Dear Lori and Jeff,
I’m 31 and still searching for a partner to share my life with and to start a family. I’ve been in several longer-term relationships since college but none of them have felt like they had any real lasting potential. I don’t want to sound conceited, but it seems like the caliber of available men these days is not what it used to be. I want a man who takes care of himself, provides for himself, is a genuinely good person and is ready for commitment. The men I’ve met seem less motivated to work, and less confident in who they are and where they’re going in life. I’ve decided I won’t settle for a partner who doesn’t measure up just because I’m ready to take the next step. Am I selling myself short?
Signed, Searching for a Man
Dear SFAM,
Lori and Jeff: You’re not alone in this dilemma. A current viral Tweet cites a study that claims 45% of young women between the age of 25-44 will be single in 2030. Women are becoming more selective about who they commit to as there are more options and opportunities for life paths, connections, careers, and creating a family than in previous generations. There is less need to compromise in a dating world in which many single men seem to be struggling to find their way. But as with most aspects of love, it’s complicated.
Jeff: With more options and a growing sense of empowerment to provide for themselves, women aren’t settling for just “good enough.” There’s an entirely different angle to this, however, that’s a bit more disturbing: men may be failing women. Statistics show that more and more men are feeling lost, without a sense of purpose and identity. More young men are dropping out of school and, for the first time in history, more women are entering college than men. Fewer men are regularly employed and more men report feeling socially isolated with fewer friends and romantic partners.
There are some very polarized theories about what is causing this dynamic but the common theme is the changing expectations of men in the world today. Men are still supposed to be “manly” in their ability to provide financial and emotional stability, to be strong and reliable. But now men are also expected to be sensitive, emotionally expressive and vulnerable. Additionally, many of the ways that men earned a living, supporting their more traditional roles as provider, are disappearing with the outsourcing of jobs to other countries and to automation. Men’s roles are changing. It seems that women have adapted well to their now more masculine or mission-based roles in their professional lives while men are having a much more difficult time adapting to the relational and connection-oriented roles, which have been commonly seen as more feminine.
This is not an excuse for men’s behavior and it’s clear that men need to figure themselves out (there are equally polarizing ideas of solutions—another topic for another time) but the bottom line is that men are confused about their roles in modern society and it is impacting the way they are showing up in the dating world. Perhaps they have less confidence in who they are, perhaps they are less sure of what women are expecting from them—does she want the more traditional version of a man: strong, stable and stoic? Or the more modern version: sensitive, vulnerable and emotional? Or both? It’s understandable how frustrating this can be for women in their search for a partner, but it will require some patience and some empathy for the state of men in the world today (even though, looking back historically, they may not have earned it).
Lori: Your stated expectations are more than reasonable on the surface, but nothing is black and white. A guy who “provides for himself” could mean paying his monthly van-life bills or owning a home and maxing out a 401K. Share your detailed expectations with close (i.e.-honest) friends and family. If the consensus is that you’re being reasonable, you have to begin to ask what you’re doing that is getting in the way of finding him. Yes, it’s true that a proportion of men, particularly in their 20s and early 30s aren’t yet plugged into their potential. But there are men in your age bracket who are actively working towards creating the life you describe.
I’m always curious about what may be happening internally for women who can’t find or connect with the kind of man they’re looking for. Are you ready to receive love? Do you believe at the core that you deserve to be with a good man and can you trust that kind of love? Do you have the confidence to know your worth without being arrogant, have boundaries without being controlling, and be authentic and vulnerable without being emotionally detached or dependent? If the answers are yes, you may have to shift your efforts to meet your guy. Branch out beyond your usual social network. Explore young professional organizations, community lectures, art and cultural events and volunteer experiences. It’s also worth noting that research consistently shows that singles will identify characteristics such as intelligence, kindness, sense of humor and family goals as what they are looking for in a partner. But physical attractiveness is consistently a dominant factor for both men and women in whether there is interest in having a date. Be real about what you bring to the table and whether you're looking for an equal mate or trying to level up through someone else.
Lori and Jeff: The answer to your question comes in two parts. If finding a partner is important, don’t give up. Explore yourself, your needs and your projections. But also be aware that men are struggling to understand what is being expected of them and how to adapt to these new roles. Finding the right guy now is likely going to require more effort, clarity and communication about what specifically you are seeking.