Why stay married if spouse is not a full partner?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I still love my husband but things are going to have to change soon or I don’t think I’ll be able to keep going. While he makes a good living and works hard at his job, that’s about all he does to contribute to the family. I also have a full time job making almost the same as him but I take care of most of the household responsibilities and organize our kids' lives. He constantly finds free time to go skiing or bike riding or be with his friends. I’ve started to ask myself why I stay married when I have a spouse who isn’t really a partner. Can men like my husband really change?   

Signed, Full Plate

Dear FP,

Lori and Jeff: Studies from 2015-2022 have found that approximately 70% of divorces in heterosexual marriages in the US are filed by wives. Although many more women are becoming significant earners than in previous generations, wives are still primarily responsible for most of the “unpaid work” in the family (cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, kids and caring for elderly or sick family members). As more and more women are recognizing their ability to be independent with careers and kids, they are also becoming more selective about who they choose to stay married to.

Jeff: Your situation is going to take some deeper conversations with your husband and, if you’re willing, a lot of patience. We’ve been seeing a trend in our coaching practice where, like you, women are getting fed up with all they have to do in order to maintain a career, a household and a marriage. Traditionally, men were the breadwinner, director of finances and often handyman. Women, on the other hand, were tasked with roles of homemaker, mother and caretakers of the emotional wellbeing of relationships. Thankfully, times are changing, giving both men and women the opportunity to become more multidimensional. In fact, with more women seeking higher education along with declining marriage and birth rates, there's been a significant increase in women of all ages entering the workforce. As of this April, the percentage of women in the US, aged 25 and 54 working or looking for work is 3 to 1 over men in the same situation, the highest level on record.

As women are adding jobs and careers to their list of responsibilities, it would make sense that husbands would have to step in to balance out the burdens that their wives carry. Unfortunately, it may take some time for men to adjust. Things are changing for men too, but in a less positive direction. The percentage of men in or entering the workforce has fallen significantly, so the familiar roles of breadwinner and provider are becoming less and less prominent and men are struggling to find their identities. As women step into the more action and achievement-oriented, masculine roles of “mission,” men are going to have to learn more relational feminine roles of “connection.” It may be that your husband’s perception of what was required of him as a husband, father and contributor to the family fell more on the traditional side. Hopefully, as he understands the changing roles and your experience of feeling overwhelmed, he can change his views and take some of the responsibilities off your shoulders.

Lori: To answer the question of “why stay married,” you may need to look back at what made you say “I do” in the first place. Many couples bond initially over shared interests, values and having fun together. Traits that initially drew you to your husband such as his playfulness, spontaneity and social nature, may have been a welcome balance to your proclivity for being more responsibility oriented. But as relationships and roles evolve, both partners need to be willing to stretch to find the healthy balance in the middle. It’s easy to identify where your husband is coming up short. However there is equal opportunity for you to grow here and your husband may be the perfect partner to help you.

Wives with jobs and children can become resentful as their internal conflicts get played out in the marriage. Many women struggle to be appropriately self-invested and are much more reluctant than their male partners to assert their needs for play, rest and personal fulfillment. Women often hold beliefs that being a good partner and parent means putting others’ needs first. As husbands carve out time for bike rides and guys' weekends, wives may wait for their husbands to create opportunities for them to do the same—not necessarily with verbal permission, but by assessing whether the husband is skilled and mature enough to not let everything go to hell in her absence. Additionally, many women unconsciously act out their neurotic needs for having control and feeling like enough by creating uncompromisingly high standards for how the house and kids need to be cared for. Before you consider divorce, be curious about whether your own stories or patterns are getting in your way of having the marriage you want and if there’s anything you can learn from your husband about self-care.

Lori and Jeff: Couples in your position often need to intentionally create a marriage 2.0. Take what you’ve experienced in this last chapter and get very clear on what you need moving forward from your husband and yourself.