How Can I Trust Him?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband recently ran into one of his exes and apparently spent some time hanging out with her but never told me (I heard about it from a friend who saw them together). I’m not worried that he’s cheating but am angry that he’s not being transparent. It makes me wonder why he’s hiding the full truth. When I ask him, he says there’s nothing going on and his interactions with her are the same as running into any person he hasn’t seen in a while. We’ve been through this scenario a few times now and I’m still not dealing with it very well. How do I make him understand that he needs to tell me when he sees her?

Signed, Tainted Trust

TrustLori KretNovember 17, 2023Aspen Relationship Instituteinfidelity, trust, transparency, communication

My partner snooped through my phone. Is that a dealbreaker?

Dear Jeff and Lori,

I recently caught my girlfriend going through my phone. I gave her the passcode so she could look at photos from our trips together, not anticipating that she would continue using it to snoop. She says she has the right to know who I’m talking to and what’s being said. I’ve never cheated on her, but she has always been jealous of my female friends. I no longer have any contact with past casual hookups, but I’m not willing to cut off communication with other friends for my girlfriend. I believe a little privacy is healthy in relationships, but she is becoming increasingly insistent on having an all-access pass. Who’s right?

Signed, Over Her Shady Snooping

Wife lied about her sexual past

Dear Lori and Jeff,

A few months ago when my wife and I were unpacking from a move, I came across an old notebook that contained the names of 50 or 60 men. When I asked my wife about it she said it was just a group of college research project participants, but she was so nervous in answering that I knew she wasn’t being honest. When I pressed the issue, she admitted that it was a list of men she had slept with before meeting me. When we were getting serious in our relationship, we went through the usual disclosure of our sexual pasts and she had made it sound like she had only been with around 15 other guys, which is more in line with my history. I don’t want to hold the past against her, but I’m struggling with the fact that she lied to me about such an important topic. I feel like I was robbed of the chance to decide for myself whether or not her dating history was a deal-breaker. Our marriage is mostly good and we have a three-year old child so I don’t want to blow things up, but I’m left feeling betrayed and stuck. What should I do?

Signed, Haunted by Her History

She Said, He Said: A Relationship advice blog written by Married, Marriage Therapists

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