Dear Lori and Jeff,
Our marriage is pretty good but we have one or two issues that keep coming up and we can’t seem to get past them. My husband insists we can figure it out on our own but I think we need to get help from a professional. When is it time to get outside support?
Signed, On The Fence
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
My long-term partner has recently started daily microdosing. In his 20s, he used alcohol to what I would consider excess and in his 30s switched primarily to marijuana. He says microdosing is great for his mental health, that it takes the edge off of his anxiety and self-consciousness while allowing him to be more present than pot does. I want to support him in being happy, but don’t like that he’s using daily. It’s hard for me not knowing when he is and isn’t sober and he says if I can’t tell then it shouldn’t matter. Is microdosing everyday okay?
Signed, Psilocybin Skeptic
Read MoreDear Readers,
Ideally, Valentine’s Day inspires a little extra romance in your relationship. But for many couples, the stress of creating the ultimate date or receiving the perfect gift eclipses the focus of simply enjoying one another. Having a meaningful Valentine’s, regardless of the current state of your relationship, starts with tuning into each other and tuning out the commercial hype and Instagram comparisons. We’re not dissuading you from buying a lovely present or planning a delicious dinner, but instead are encouraging you to not let that be the end goal. Every relationship has room to repair rifts or enhance intimacy. Today is an opportune time to recognize your strengths as a couple and begin playing with new practices for growing together. Here are a few options to get you started.
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
My husband and I have been married for 22 years and we’ve recently become empty nesters. We still seem to get along well and are respectful and appreciative of each other, but over the years we’ve developed two separate lives: he’s a cyclist and I’m a runner, he stays up late and I go to bed early. We prefer very different movies, music and tv shows. We are intimate infrequently but neither of us seems to mind even though we both enjoy it when we do connect. With the glue of our kids no longer holding us together, I’m worried that we will simply drift apart and head in separate directions. What can we do to course-correct and get back on the same path?
Sincerely, Two Ships
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
My partner and I have recently begun talking more seriously about marriage. He possesses many of the qualities I believe are important in a spouse; he’s genuinely kind, trustworthy, responsible and reliable, and we share many interests. We also have great chemistry and laugh often. However, I find myself deeply unfulfilled in the relationship when it comes to exploring spirituality. Yoga, meditation, and eastern-based health and wellness are integral to my lifestyle. I’d always imagined marrying someone I could practice with and who would help me continue to grow and expand in this realm. My partner is incredibly analytical and skeptical about much of what I believe in. He always supports me in doing what I want, but also politely chooses not to engage with me. Is this a dealbreaker?
Signed, Spiritually Unsatisfied
Read MoreDear Jeff and Lori:
My husband has always had a very close relationship with his mother. When his father passed away last year, he strongly advocated for his mom to move near us with the expectation that she would help with our two elementary school aged children. After she settled in I noticed just how much medication she takes on a daily basis for pain, anxiety and sleep. She also has no reservations about having a glass of wine or two with dinner, and sometimes lunch. I told my husband I don’t want her in charge of the kids, as she doesn’t always seem fully present. He continues to minimize her use, saying it’s all physician prescribed and highlighting how difficult the loss of her husband has been. I think he’s afraid of hurting her. We’re arguing constantly and in the meantime, I keep creating plans and excuses to keep the kids from being in her care. I can’t keep going on like this. Please help.
Signed, Distressed Daughter-In-Law
Read MoreDear Jeff and Lori,
My partner and I fell in love because we’re both a little unconventional in how we see life and the world. When we got married, we both had full intention of maintaining traditional monogamy, but as time has gone on and our relationship has shifted, I’m starting to wonder whether something more open or alternative would be a better fit for us. We love each other and have no desire to end the relationship. But I also feel like there could be a lot more to experience and feel. We had much more joy, excitement and passion early on, and I believe we both deserve to feel some of that again. My partner has expressed being willing to discuss it, but then is reluctant when we actually do have the chance to talk. How can I make it easier for them to explore the topic, and what advice do you have for making a decision like this?
Signed, Questioning Tradition
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
My husband and I have consistently struggled to resolve our marital issues and have been discussing divorce for the last six months. We’ve avoided taking any steps to initiate it in large part because of the exorbitant costs of having separate households. We have two kids in elementary school and both work full time, so the financial strain of separation would significantly impact our lives. Because we don’t have an easy way through, I’ve started to wonder if we just need to make it work. Despite the romantic disconnect and frequent bickering, we do work really well at navigating the day-to-day responsibilities. Regardless of our marriage’s future, we’ve both expressed wanting to stay in our current home and neither wants to have to move. Could it be possible to live under the same roof but have separate lives?
Signed, Housing Hamstrung
Read MoreDear Jeff and Lori,
My wife is one of the most caring and compassionate people I have ever known and I love her for it. However, sometimes I feel that the level to which she cares for others is unhealthy. We have a long-time mutual friend who has been going through some challenges and my wife has lost all perspective on what is appropriate. She goes to her house multiple times a week and talks to her every night, then complains that she doesn’t have any time for herself. I feel like she’s neglecting our marriage. I keep asking her to set boundaries with this woman, but she won’t. How can I help her see what’s happening?
Signed, Feeling Forgotten
Read MoreDear Jeff and Lori,
I’ve been with my wife for fourteen years and married for nine. I love her and truly believe our marriage is good. I’m still very attracted to her, we are great at co-parenting and still really enjoy each other’s company. My struggle is that I’ve recently found myself very attracted to a coworker. There is a chemistry and spark with her that is invigorating. She’s smart, witty and playful and I look forward to being around her. I haven’t and won’t pursue anything outside of the office with her and I’m clear that I won’t cheat on my wife. What I want to know is whether this is normal for a married man to feel this way about someone else?
Signed, Attracted To Someone Else
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. We met when I moved to the valley from the west coast. I didn’t really know anyone in this new community and I really enjoyed his group of friends so I quickly became part of the gang. A few weeks ago I found out that my boyfriend had had a pretty intense relationship with one of the other women in the group but no one, including my boyfriend, bothered to tell me about it. I don’t feel like I need to know their entire history, but the parts that could affect me in the present day seem to be important information for me to have. He says it’s in the past and he no longer has feelings for her but I think I should have been told as our relationship became more serious. Any thoughts?
Signed, Unknowing Friend Of His Ex
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
When I was in high school, I was much closer to my boyfriend’s parents than I was to my own. Even after we broke up, I maintained a close relationship with them and still visit them whenever I’m back in my hometown. They helped me buy my first car and sometimes sent me money up until I was able to support myself. They are still a part of my life and send birthday and holiday gifts to my kids. My husband has never been comfortable with my relationship with my ex’s parents, and now that my ex is single again, my husband is asking me to set some stronger boundaries with them. I know their feelings will be hurt if I do so and truthfully, I don’t really want to. They have been the only real family I’ve had in my life. How do I navigate this?
Signed, Don’t Want To Choose
Read MoreDear Jeff and Lori,
I recently went through a really tough and painful breakup. We had a huge blow-up fight about a month ago in which we erupted with every resentment, frustration and painful memory we had with one another. We both said that it was over and even though I didn’t want the relationship to end, I was willing to accept it. However, over the last two weeks, we’ve been spending time together and last night, after a few drinks, we slept together. It doesn’t feel like we’re back together, but we’re also not broken up. How do I figure out whether to try to make it work or to walk away?
Signed, Sort-Of-Maybe-Single
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
From the outside, it looks like my wife and I have an ideal marriage. Our friends and family often make comments about how lucky we are to still be best friends after 9 years together. We truly love, respect and appreciate each other, but behind closed doors, we’re constantly short and irritable toward one another. When we met it was a whirlwind romance that swept us both up quickly and completely. We travelled all over the world together, abandoning the lives we were living for this amazing adventure. Now that we’re a little older, we’ve both felt the urge to slow down and settle down, but without all of the stimulation and distraction we’re just getting on each other’s nerves all the time. How do we actually have the relationship everyone thinks we have?
Signed, Is Our Adventure Over?
Read MoreDear Jeff and Lori,
I recently caught my girlfriend going through my phone. I gave her the passcode so she could look at photos from our trips together, not anticipating that she would continue using it to snoop. She says she has the right to know who I’m talking to and what’s being said. I’ve never cheated on her, but she has always been jealous of my female friends. I no longer have any contact with past casual hookups, but I’m not willing to cut off communication with other friends for my girlfriend. I believe a little privacy is healthy in relationships, but she is becoming increasingly insistent on having an all-access pass. Who’s right?
Signed, Over Her Shady Snooping
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
I met a guy about a year ago online. Both of us were pretty cautious about COVID and found ourselves becoming more distanced from friends who were less concerned and living life more freely. As a result, we ended up becoming each other’s main connection and support. If it weren’t for COVID, things probably wouldn’t have progressed so quickly. Now that the world is starting to open up again, I don’t know if I want to continue staying attached to him. There’s nothing inherently wrong with our relationship. I like him, am attracted to him and enjoy spending time with him, but I’m curious if there’s someone better for me out there. On the other hand, I’m worried about walking away from someone who might possibly be the one. Help!
Signed, Tempted To Try Something New
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
I ended a two-year relationship a few months before the pandemic hit and so, for almost a year and half, it’s just been my dog and me. I’m now fully vaccinated and things seem to be moving back in the right direction for a bit more normalcy in the world and I’d like to start thinking about dating again and possibly finding someone to spend the rest of my life with. I’ve tried dating apps in the past and have been reading about all the different strategies online but they all seem very impersonal and formulaic. I know I have some less-than-ideal dating patterns from the past that have landed me some less-than-ideal men so I’d like to figure some of those out along the way. Do you have any advice for both dating strategies and to help me understand my past patterns?
Ready To Date
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over three years and we’ve never really communicated very well. I’m more expressive with my feelings and I’m always sharing my experiences with him but he rarely lets me know how he’s feeling or if anything is bothering him. He says he doesn’t really have strong emotions and doesn't see the need to talk about them. He’s always saying, “that’s just how I am” and if I don’t like it I can find another guy who’s more in touch with his “feminine side.” I don’t want another guy but I wish he could just open up a little more and let me in. What should I do?
Signed, Wanting Deeper Connection
Read MoreDear Lori and Jeff,
My boyfriend is incredibly smart and studied hospitality in college. When we met 4 years ago, his dream was to be the GM of a luxury hotel. But in the time we’ve been together, he hasn’t taken any steps towards advancing his career and is still bartending at the same restaurant. He’s been hinting at wanting to get engaged, but I’m struggling to get past his lack of career motivation. I know he’s good at his job and makes good money, and I understand that going back to school can seem overwhelming, but he sold himself as wanting to become a powerful agent in his industry. Now he just complains everyday about the long hours on his feet and the rude customers he had to serve. I’m not sure I want to commit my life to this, but I do love every other aspect of him. What should I do?
Signed, Wanting Him to Aspire
Read MoreDear Jeff and Lori,
I love my girlfriend, but I’m really starting to question whether she can meet my needs in our relationship. We’ve been living together for 2 years, and over the last year it seems like I’ve slowly fallen further down her priority list. I feel like I’ve been doing a good job of clearly and kindly asking for what I need, including more time together, and to be included more in decisions. But she has started to respond with frustration, saying I need too much from her. I know she’s busy with work and taking care of her parents, but she also makes time to ski and hike with friends. Since the pandemic started I’m able to work from home with a flexible schedule and think it’s a great opportunity for us to be together more. How can I help her see that the focus should be more on our relationship?
Signed, Wanting More
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