Husband won't set boundaries with his mom

Dear Jeff and Lori:

My husband has always had a very close relationship with his mother. When his father passed away last year, he strongly advocated for his mom to move near us with the expectation that she would help with our two elementary school aged children. After she settled in I noticed just how much medication she takes on a daily basis for pain, anxiety and sleep. She also has no reservations about having a glass of wine or two with dinner, and sometimes lunch. I told my husband I don’t want her in charge of the kids, as she doesn’t always seem fully present. He continues to minimize her use, saying it’s all physician prescribed and highlighting how difficult the loss of her husband has been. I think he’s afraid of hurting her. We’re arguing constantly and in the meantime, I keep creating plans and excuses to keep the kids from being in her care. I can’t keep going on like this. Please help.

Signed, Distressed Daughter-In-Law

How to save a marriage that has gone stale

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My wife and I have been married for 4 years. We met a little later in life and neither of us wanted kids. Like most couples, the first few years were great, but as time has passed, our relationship has become increasingly stale. We work, eat dinner, have the same “how was your day” conversation, watch our shows, occasionally have what I feel is routine sex, go to sleep and repeat. Even the weekends have begun to feel monotonous. We spend an afternoon together going for a hike, and maybe go out for dinner with friends and the rest of the time apart. Traveling together is still fun, but our marriage isn’t going to survive on a few trips a year. We’ve talked about getting a dog, but it seems like it would just be trying to fill the space that’s grown between us. I know I can’t go another 4 years like this, let alone the rest of my life. What can we do?

Signed, Stagnant Spouse

The Functional Love model for resolving communication issues

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My husband and I are having significant communication problems. From the beginning of our relationship we’ve struggled with talking about a few specific issues, but our relationship has devolved to arguing over just about everything now. We love each other and want to continue building a life together, but can’t seem to get out of this cycle. We both acknowledge being part of the problem and neither of us wants to hurt the other. We’ve tried therapy in the past and were encouraged to use communication tools including “I feel statements,” taking time outs and reflective listening, but as much as each of us wants to do better, we keep repeating the same patterns. When we’re not arguing, our connection feels strong. What are other tools we can use to communicate better and have more consistent ease in our relationship?

Signed, Communication Breakdown

Can we separate but stay in the same home?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have consistently struggled to resolve our marital issues and have been discussing divorce for the last six months. We’ve avoided taking any steps to initiate it in large part because of the exorbitant costs of having separate households. We have two kids in elementary school and both work full time, so the financial strain of separation would significantly impact our lives. Because we don’t have an easy way through, I’ve started to wonder if we just need to make it work. Despite the romantic disconnect and frequent bickering, we do work really well at navigating the day-to-day responsibilities. Regardless of our marriage’s future, we’ve both expressed wanting to stay in our current home and neither wants to have to move. Could it be possible to live under the same roof but have separate lives?

Signed, Housing Hamstrung

Spouse won't forgive me for affair

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I had an affair five years ago during a very turbulent time in my marriage. Through my own work, I have come to understand my insecurities and protective patterns that lead me to transgress. I have owned my mistake, and in my mind have paid my penance. I’ve continuously made efforts to prioritize my husband and put his needs first to prove my commitment, but he refuses to forgive me and move on. We have kids and manage day to day life well together and our connection feels positive when we’re following his lead, whether that’s accommodating his schedule or vacationing to the destination he chooses. But it feels like every time I try to assert my needs and wants, he reminds me of how much he has had to suffer because of my affair. What do I have to do to be on even ground again?

Signed, Stuck In Purgatory

How to know when it's time to divorce

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My husband and I have been together for 16 years and have been struggling beyond what I would call a normal slump. It feels as though we’re constantly walking on eggshells with each other and only ever talk about our daughter or what needs to be done for the week. It would be easy to blame our problems on COVID and both working from home, but these issues were brewing for years before. I know we both have love for each other, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a husband who feels like a roommate. We’ve both expressed being unhappy at various times but nothing has changed. How do we know when it’s time to move on?

Signed, Raise The White Flag?

Wife cares too much about everyone else

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My wife is one of the most caring and compassionate people I have ever known and I love her for it. However, sometimes I feel that the level to which she cares for others is unhealthy. We have a long-time mutual friend who has been going through some challenges and my wife has lost all perspective on what is appropriate. She goes to her house multiple times a week and talks to her every night, then complains that she doesn’t have any time for herself. I feel like she’s neglecting our marriage. I keep asking her to set boundaries with this woman, but she won’t. How can I help her see what’s happening?

Signed, Feeling Forgotten

Husband doesn't support my career dreams

Dear Jeff and Lori,

Shortly after we married, my husband decided he wanted to change careers and I supported him in going back to school. It was a real struggle for me to be the primary earner, manage our home and care for our newborn. We made it through and are now able to afford a comfortable lifestyle on his income. I have always wanted to be an artist and now that we have the security, I’d like to go back to school myself. My husband has been supportive of my painting as a hobby, but he pushes back when I tell him I want to pursue a degree in art. He’s focused on the financial ROI, the costs of having to find childcare and that he doesn’t want any more responsibility at home. I’m becoming more resentful by the day. How do we get through this?

Signed, Artist In Waiting

I want to make healthy changes, but my spouse isn't supportive

Dear Jeff and Lori,

I want to use the new year as a fresh start to begin living a healthier lifestyle. My husband and I met in our 20’s and we both prioritized going out and having a good time. We’re in our 30’s now and drinking several nights a week just doesn’t have the same appeal for me. I don’t like how tired I am all the time and want to feel better in and about my body. It’s always been hard for me to motivate myself to make positive changes and I’ve only ever been successful with someone else doing it with me. My husband says he likes our lives as they are and has no intention of doing anything differently. He’s even gone as far as even giving me a hard time about not wanting to go out so much. Please help.

Signed, New Year, Less Beer

How do I tell my wife I might be gay?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I was raised in a traditional family in a fairly conservative community so I got married early and started my own family right away. My wife is a wonderful woman who has been focused on raising the kids but now that they are a bit older, she’s been wanting to rekindle our romantic relationship. For a long time I’ve suspected that I’m gay, and although I love my beautiful wife for the person she is, I have never really been physically attracted to her. I was able to be sexually involved in the beginning of our relationship and then after the kids were born, I was relieved that her interest faded. As I get older, I realize that I don’t want to go through the rest of my life never having explored or really known my own sexuality. At the same time, I don’t want to hurt my wonderful wife or our children. Do you have any advice?

Signed, Closet Claustrophobe

What to do when caring for aging parents puts stress on your relationship

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have been married for twenty-six years and have had a fulfilling relationship raising our kids and supporting each other through life’s challenges. We’ve thoroughly enjoyed reconnecting since our kids moved out, but now my husband’s parents are both in their late eighties and have health and financial challenges. My husband’s solution is to have them move in with us but I have some serious hesitations to this suggested arrangement. While we do have the physical space to accommodate, I’m not sure we have the mental and emotional bandwidth to take on this new level of responsibility, especially since we’ve only been empty nesters for less than a year. Am I being too selfish?

Signed, Parenting Our Parents

Healthy communication requires knowing when to listen and when to offer advice

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I am really struggling with my husband who is a great guy but most of the time just doesn’t understand me. Whenever I ask to talk with him about something that’s bothering me, he jumps right in and tries to fix it without fully hearing what I have to say. While I appreciate his desire to help me, he seems to have no idea of how I’m feeling or what I’m actually going through. How can I get him to listen to me without needing to fix it every time?

Signed, Not Looking For A Handyman

Wife keeps rehashing the past and won't let it go

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife of two years and I seem to have very different ways of dealing with conflicts in our marriage. I am able to get over things pretty quickly and move on but my wife seems to hold on and can’t let go. Even when she seems to have moved on, she inevitably brings things back up as ammunition for an argument or conflict we’re having in the present. I’ve told her many times that this kind of behavior doesn't work for me and she promises to work on it but she never does. Any ideas?

Signed, I Wish She’d Get Over It

I don't initiate sex because I don't want to be rejected

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I still have great sex but it’s way less frequent than it was when first met a few years ago. My wife says she wants me to initiate more but I really don’t like feeling rejected when she isn’t in the mood. I try to look for signs from her that show she’s interested as it gets later in the evening. I listen for subtle things she might say, like if she’s tired or stressed. I check out what she’s wearing to bed and whether or not she’s put in her retainer. I know this isn’t a foolproof strategy but I’m at a loss of what else to do.

Signed, Looking For Signs

How can I understand why my partner cheated

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have been married for over fifteen years and have three beautiful children. We’ve had our ups and downs over the years but I honestly thought things were going well between us. About three months ago, I found out he had an affair with an ex-girlfriend. He says it’s over now and was a huge mistake and that he still loves me and wants me to forgive him. I do still love him and want to make things work, but I still can’t wrap my head around why he did what he did. Can you help me understand?

Signed, Can’t Move Forward

The Impact of Relationships on Community: An Interview with Aspen Public Radio

Relationships are hard work, but Lori Kret and Jeff Cole believe that work is one of the most important things people can do. They are both licensed psychotherapists and board certified coaches. Together, they began Aspen Relationship Institute. On Aspen Public Radio’s Cross Currents, Jeff and Lori discuss the unique challenges that face couples in Aspen. They say healthy relationships are critical because of the “ripple effect” they have on the rest of the community.

She Said, He Said: A Relationship advice blog written by Married, Marriage Therapists

Aspen Relationship Institute

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