Blindsided

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I have been married for six years and she recently told me she was seriously thinking about ending the relationship because I was not meeting her emotional needs. I have been trying to figure out what I did wrong as I thought our marriage was going fairly well. We definitely have our moments when we fight and don’t talk to each other for a few days but we always seem to make up and move on. I feel totally shocked by the things she’s said recently and have asked her to give me another chance. What else can I do?

Signed, Blindsided

Communication Challenges

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I are soon to be empty nesters and I’m worried about how our marriage will feel when the kids leave. There aren’t any major issues, but our daily communication causes concern. We do a good job of managing responsibilities together, but our interactions are often short and filled with snippy responses. It seems like we are constantly misunderstanding each other and feeling frustrated or annoyed as a result. We know we love each other. How can we start creating more ease and enjoyment when interacting?

Signed, Challenged By Communication

Balancing emotional space in relationships

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have a good marriage overall. My one wish is that we would have more emotional connection. I often find myself sharing important experiences, thoughts and feelings with him and would really love for him to do the same. He has told me he thinks I’m too emotional in general, but especially when we’re arguing. My belief is that he’s not emotional enough. Is there a way to invite more emotion from him, or are we just fundamentally different in this area?

Signed, Needing Emotional Balance

The Functional Love model for resolving communication issues

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My husband and I are having significant communication problems. From the beginning of our relationship we’ve struggled with talking about a few specific issues, but our relationship has devolved to arguing over just about everything now. We love each other and want to continue building a life together, but can’t seem to get out of this cycle. We both acknowledge being part of the problem and neither of us wants to hurt the other. We’ve tried therapy in the past and were encouraged to use communication tools including “I feel statements,” taking time outs and reflective listening, but as much as each of us wants to do better, we keep repeating the same patterns. When we’re not arguing, our connection feels strong. What are other tools we can use to communicate better and have more consistent ease in our relationship?

Signed, Communication Breakdown

How to stop constant arguing and learn to communicate

Dear Lori and Jeff,

From the outside, it looks like my wife and I have an ideal marriage. Our friends and family often make comments about how lucky we are to still be best friends after 9 years together. We truly love, respect and appreciate each other, but behind closed doors, we’re constantly short and irritable toward one another. When we met it was a whirlwind romance that swept us both up quickly and completely. We travelled all over the world together, abandoning the lives we were living for this amazing adventure. Now that we’re a little older, we’ve both felt the urge to slow down and settle down, but without all of the stimulation and distraction we’re just getting on each other’s nerves all the time. How do we actually have the relationship everyone thinks we have?

Signed, Is Our Adventure Over?

Wife keeps rehashing the past and won't let it go

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife of two years and I seem to have very different ways of dealing with conflicts in our marriage. I am able to get over things pretty quickly and move on but my wife seems to hold on and can’t let go. Even when she seems to have moved on, she inevitably brings things back up as ammunition for an argument or conflict we’re having in the present. I’ve told her many times that this kind of behavior doesn't work for me and she promises to work on it but she never does. Any ideas?

Signed, I Wish She’d Get Over It

She Said, He Said: A Relationship advice blog written by Married, Marriage Therapists

Aspen Relationship Institute

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