Manage the stress of visiting in-laws during the holiday

Dear Lori and Jeff,

Thanksgiving is coming up soon and I’m feeling really stressed. I’ve recently gotten engaged, and can’t wait to get married. But I am at my wits’ end with trying to figure out how to have a positive relationship with my future mother-in-law. She constantly compares me to my fiancé’s ex-wife, whom she adores, and still has a relationship with. It seems every time I’m in the same room as her she makes backhanded comments to and about me. He reassures me how much he loves me and that his mom just needs time to get to know me, but the more I’m around her, the less I want a relationship with her. He has a really close family, and it’s important to him that I make an effort. Help!

Signed, Future MIL Hates Me

I want my husband to take me

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband is a really amazing, kind, caring, and respectful man. He’s always been a little shy in the bedroom, and reluctant to initiate out of concern that I might not be interested. I’ve told him before, many times, that it turns me on when he makes a strong move, but I still am the one who has to get things going most of the time. He often compliments me and tells me how attractive I am to him, but I do miss the feeling of being wanted in that primal, lustful way. How can I empower him to be more assertive?

Signed, Wanting Him To Want Me

Relocated for girlfriend and feeling unappreciated

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My girlfriend of three years and I recently moved to another state because of her job. Financially it was the right decision and it was also a big step up in her career. It was a big change for both of us. Neither of us know anyone here, and we’ve had to start over completely. With her job, she’s made friends quickly, and seems not to have missed a beat. I moved because I love her, and want to be with her, but I feel like I’m the one making the sacrifices and she doesn’t get it. She stays at work late, and often goes out after with her colleagues. I’m invited, but it’s not really my scene. I’m still trying to find work, and haven’t really found my community here yet. I want her to make me a priority since I just gave up everything for her. How do I get her to understand?

Signed, Waiting Around

How to handle husband's flirting at work

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband is a professional bartender at a nice restaurant, makes a good living and, for the most part, really enjoys his job. Several weeks ago I went to pick him up at the restaurant but had to sit at the bar for a while, waiting for him to finish his shift. I noticed one of the cocktail servers being overtly flirtatious with him. She didn’t know I was his wife but she certainly knows he’s married. I don’t think my husband would stray but she’s young and very attractive and seems to be presenting him with an opportunity that leaves me a bit worried. Should I start a discussion about this with my husband or should I let it go, trusting that he’ll do the right thing?

Signed, Worried Wife

How much time to give boyfriend who's still growing up?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’ve been dating a really nice guy for a couple of years but I think it may be time for me to move on. When we first met, he was unemployed and smoked a lot of pot, not usually my “type” but he was really fun to hang out with and has an infectious personality. He said he had plans to make big changes in his life and has had some promising opportunities but continuously puts things off or sabotages them, saying it wasn’t the right thing or the right time. He still relies on his parents for money and spends most of his time at my place because his place is a mess. The bottom line is that he’s not taking care of himself or contributing to the growth of our relationship but I can’t seem to break things off.

Signed, Should I Move On?

When sex life becomes routine, create new experiences with same playbook

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My girlfriend and I have been together for about three years and we’re in a rut. I still think she’s very attractive and she says the same about me. The problem is that our sex life has become too routine. We seem to just be going through the motions in a predictable sequence. We’re not looking for new ways to do it but it seems like we’ve done everything we want to do.

Sincerely, In A Rut

Communication problems start when partners try to be right

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I have been together for about three years and we still can’t seem to have a discussion about anything important without it ending up in a fight. I feel as though I speak in a calm and neutral way, but she accuses me of being stubborn and aggressive. I am simply stating my side of the issue and believe I’m open to hearing hers, but often don’t think she ever takes into account that I might be right. We’ve gotten to the point where we just don’t talk about anything of substance in fear that it will erupt into an argument. How do we get back on the same page?

Signed, Communication Breakdown

How can I understand why my partner cheated

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have been married for over fifteen years and have three beautiful children. We’ve had our ups and downs over the years but I honestly thought things were going well between us. About three months ago, I found out he had an affair with an ex-girlfriend. He says it’s over now and was a huge mistake and that he still loves me and wants me to forgive him. I do still love him and want to make things work, but I still can’t wrap my head around why he did what he did. Can you help me understand?

Signed, Can’t Move Forward

My girlfriend makes more money than me, should I be worried?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My girlfriend and I have been together for about six months and everything seems to be going well except for the discrepancy in our incomes. I’m an artist, truly love what I do and make a reasonable living at it. She makes quite a bit more than I do but still supports me in my chosen profession. The challenge is she likes to travel first-class and eat at expensive restaurants and I just don’t have that in my budget. She is very generous and offers to pay when I can’t, but I’m worried that my financial status isn’t going to be attractive enough to her in the long run.

Signed, Don’t Want a Sugar Momma

Athletic pursuits create relationship rift

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My husband and I used to play together outdoors year-round. It was a big part of what initially brought us together. We moved to Aspen a few years ago, and he became much more athletically competitive. I’m really proud of him and love cheering him on, but his need to keep getting stronger and faster has also resulted in me feeling left behind. Hiking, biking, and now skiing has become a battle just to keep up. He keeps pushing me because he doesn’t want to slow down and wait for me. I’ve told him it’s not fun for me to always have to go that hard, but he’s always training for something and not willing to miss the workout. I’m worried if we stay on this path that we’ll keep drifting apart.

Signed, Left Behind in the Bowl

Is she sexually satisfied?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My girlfriend and I have been together for four years and the frequent and passionate sex we used to have at the beginning of our relationship has become more routine and happens much less often. I still really enjoy being intimate with her but I often wonder if I’m able to satisfy her in the way she satisfies me. Bottom line is I wonder if she still really enjoys it. Any suggestions?

Signed, Baffled in Bed

Where's the line between porn and cheating?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I recently discovered that my husband has been spending a lot of time viewing online porn. I've looked through some of the sites he's been on, but because some have different levels of interaction, I can't tell exactly what he's been up to. I've asked him what he's been doing and why, but he shuts down. There are some things I'm willing to accept, but I don't know where the line gets crossed into cheating. I'm worried because I thought our sex life was pretty good, but neither of us have had much time or energy to connect lately. I want to understand what's going on with him, and where it's reasonable for me to draw the line?

Signed, Where's My Line?

Cheater at heart, or just getting it out of his system?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

One of my closest friends is getting married, and I'm fairly certain her fiance is cheating on her. We live in a small town, and there have been multiple rumors of him sleeping with other women. There's even talk that he's trying to get what he can before he ties the knot. I've confronted him, and he denies it. I don't believe him. I've tried bringing it up to my friend in both gentle and direct ways, but she is so in love with him that she won't listen. I'm worried she's making a huge mistake by marrying this guy. What else can I do? Is it really possible that if he is cheating now, he'll become faithful when they marry?

Signed, Suspicious Friend

How do I get my partner to open up?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

Since we've been together, my partner has become increasingly shut down. I'd really like him to be more open, and recently approached him about it. He said he's tried to share his feelings with me in the past, and I've judged him. I don't ever remember doing that, but there have been a few times where I thought he was just making excuses for not doing what he said he would do. I would never want to judge his real feelings. How can I support him in opening up again?

Signed, Feeling Shut Out

Why are relationships so hard?

In the past few months, we've received several questions about why relationships are so hard.

It would be convenient to simply say that men are from Mars and women are Venus and the differences in our modes of operation and emotional needs create all of the challenges in relationships. While these gender differences do play a part in the struggle, we've found that same-sex relationships are just as challenging, even with both partners being from the same planet. Our beliefs around why relationships are so hard have more to do with a couple's ability and motivation to adapt to the many transitions that occur during the evolution of most relationships.

I want the relationship to work but he won’t change

Dear Lori and Jeff:

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years and I love him more than I've loved anyone else. He's smart, fun and always there for me. The problem is I'm comfortable with my emotions but he's closed off and won't really let me in. I want him realize how lucky he is to have me in his life and open up to me, but I really don't think he'll change.

Signed, Emotionally Lonely

The Impact of Relationships on Community: An Interview with Aspen Public Radio

Relationships are hard work, but Lori Kret and Jeff Cole believe that work is one of the most important things people can do. They are both licensed psychotherapists and board certified coaches. Together, they began Aspen Relationship Institute. On Aspen Public Radio’s Cross Currents, Jeff and Lori discuss the unique challenges that face couples in Aspen. They say healthy relationships are critical because of the “ripple effect” they have on the rest of the community.

She Said, He Said: A Relationship advice blog written by Married, Marriage Therapists

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