Tips for staying connected during stressful times

Dear Readers, We don’t think it’s an overstatement to say that, for most of us, life today is not the same as it was a few weeks ago. There is, without a doubt, more uncertainty, more stress and more confusion. The recent disruptions have led to greater feelings of anxiety and fear. Whether it’s concern for your health and the health of your loved ones, your financial well-being or even whether you’ll have enough toilet paper to make it through the next few weeks, we’ve all had our normal lives turned upside down and inside out.

Spouse constantly lies to me

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I often catch my wife lying about small things and it’s driving me crazy. I believe that she’s faithful, but can’t understand why she won’t be honest about why she’s often late or why she didn’t do the errands she said she would do. I know she doesn’t plan her days well, and this is a major issue in our marriage. She always tries to squeeze in time to do things for herself, but then she never admits it. The fact that she doesn’t get stuff done is frustrating enough, but lying about why she falls short is pushing me over the edge. How can I get her to tell the truth so that this marriage can last?

Signed, Truth Seeker

When to end an on-again-off-again relationship

Dear Jeff and Lori,

I’m in my late 20’s and have been with my partner for 4 years. Twice in the last year we’ve broken up and gotten back together. Each time we decide to try again, it’s good for a few months, then one or both of us starts to question if this is really it. On paper, we seem like we’d be perfect together, we have similar interests, values, lifestyles and goals. We don’t have any big issues, but we seem to bicker all the time about the small stuff. I’m at a place in my life of being ready to get married, and I can’t do this back and forth with him anymore. I need to make a decision to go all in or get out for good. Can you help me figure out how to choose?

Signed, Should I Stay?

Is conflict with fiancé's kids a dealbreaker?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’ve recently gotten engaged to the love of my life and can’t wait to officially begin a new life with him. There is one issue that’s giving me cold feet—the two boys from his previous marriage. I’ve tried so hard to have them accept me, not as a replacement for their mother, but as someone who’s important to their dad. No matter what I do, they are rude and sarcastic to me and make me feel like I have no business being part of their family. I am kind, supportive, forgiving and understanding but I get none of that in return. My fiancée understands what I’m going through but is reluctant to step in and defend me when it’s obvious they’ve crossed the line. Is this a big enough reason to put off the wedding or should I keep trying to integrate into their lives?

Signed, Cold Feet

Wife spends too much on kids Christmas presents

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I have two kids. We regularly talk about parenting, and usually discuss how we’re going to handle upcoming situations, which is why I’m now completely at a loss for how to manage the current fight we’re having. My wife and I agreed in early November that we were going to buy a modest amount of useful and thoughtful presents for our kids this year. I believe the focus on the holidays should be more about family and gratitude than gifts. My wife said she agreed. I just recently learned that my wife went crazy buying clothes, toys and electronics for them. When I asked her to return some of the items, she said our children are good kids and deserve to be spoiled every now and then, and we have the money to do it. Her arguments are valid, but not to the point. I’m so frustrated with her. How do we resolve this so it doesn’t ruin Christmas?

Signed, Who’s the Grinch?

I don't initiate sex because I don't want to be rejected

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I still have great sex but it’s way less frequent than it was when first met a few years ago. My wife says she wants me to initiate more but I really don’t like feeling rejected when she isn’t in the mood. I try to look for signs from her that show she’s interested as it gets later in the evening. I listen for subtle things she might say, like if she’s tired or stressed. I check out what she’s wearing to bed and whether or not she’s put in her retainer. I know this isn’t a foolproof strategy but I’m at a loss of what else to do.

Signed, Looking For Signs

Manage the stress of visiting in-laws during the holiday

Dear Lori and Jeff,

Thanksgiving is coming up soon and I’m feeling really stressed. I’ve recently gotten engaged, and can’t wait to get married. But I am at my wits’ end with trying to figure out how to have a positive relationship with my future mother-in-law. She constantly compares me to my fiancé’s ex-wife, whom she adores, and still has a relationship with. It seems every time I’m in the same room as her she makes backhanded comments to and about me. He reassures me how much he loves me and that his mom just needs time to get to know me, but the more I’m around her, the less I want a relationship with her. He has a really close family, and it’s important to him that I make an effort. Help!

Signed, Future MIL Hates Me

I want my husband to take me

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband is a really amazing, kind, caring, and respectful man. He’s always been a little shy in the bedroom, and reluctant to initiate out of concern that I might not be interested. I’ve told him before, many times, that it turns me on when he makes a strong move, but I still am the one who has to get things going most of the time. He often compliments me and tells me how attractive I am to him, but I do miss the feeling of being wanted in that primal, lustful way. How can I empower him to be more assertive?

Signed, Wanting Him To Want Me

How to handle husband's flirting at work

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband is a professional bartender at a nice restaurant, makes a good living and, for the most part, really enjoys his job. Several weeks ago I went to pick him up at the restaurant but had to sit at the bar for a while, waiting for him to finish his shift. I noticed one of the cocktail servers being overtly flirtatious with him. She didn’t know I was his wife but she certainly knows he’s married. I don’t think my husband would stray but she’s young and very attractive and seems to be presenting him with an opportunity that leaves me a bit worried. Should I start a discussion about this with my husband or should I let it go, trusting that he’ll do the right thing?

Signed, Worried Wife

When sex life becomes routine, create new experiences with same playbook

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My girlfriend and I have been together for about three years and we’re in a rut. I still think she’s very attractive and she says the same about me. The problem is that our sex life has become too routine. We seem to just be going through the motions in a predictable sequence. We’re not looking for new ways to do it but it seems like we’ve done everything we want to do.

Sincerely, In A Rut

Communication problems start when partners try to be right

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I have been together for about three years and we still can’t seem to have a discussion about anything important without it ending up in a fight. I feel as though I speak in a calm and neutral way, but she accuses me of being stubborn and aggressive. I am simply stating my side of the issue and believe I’m open to hearing hers, but often don’t think she ever takes into account that I might be right. We’ve gotten to the point where we just don’t talk about anything of substance in fear that it will erupt into an argument. How do we get back on the same page?

Signed, Communication Breakdown

How can I understand why my partner cheated

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have been married for over fifteen years and have three beautiful children. We’ve had our ups and downs over the years but I honestly thought things were going well between us. About three months ago, I found out he had an affair with an ex-girlfriend. He says it’s over now and was a huge mistake and that he still loves me and wants me to forgive him. I do still love him and want to make things work, but I still can’t wrap my head around why he did what he did. Can you help me understand?

Signed, Can’t Move Forward

Not sure I'm ready for kids, but feeling pressured to be.

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My wife and I are in our early 30s and everyone thinks we should be working on getting pregnant except for me. Our parents are constantly bringing up how much they want grandbabies, and starting to scare my wife about “waiting too long.” She has recently said she’s ready to start trying, but as much as I love her, I’m not sure she’s ready to be a mom. She loves her freedom of coming and going, staying out at night and sleeping in late, and hates doing housework. I’m worried if we have a kid, all the responsibility will fall on me. She says she’ll change when we get pregnant, but I’m not so sure. How do I get everyone to slow down?

Signed, Not Ready to be a Dad

How to decide whether to have kids

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I have been married for two years and we both expressed ambivalence about having kids when we met and throughout our relationship. For the past several months, my wife has been dropping hints that she’s getting close to moving past her “prime childbearing years” and if we are ever going to have kids, we need to do it soon. I’m surprised by her shift but want to be supportive. I didn’t think I ever wanted kids, but maybe now it’s a compromise I could make. Any suggestions?

Signed, Not Sure About Kids

Working through working with your spouse

Dear Lori and Jeff

When my husband and I met, I was early in the process of starting my own small business. Recently it had grown to a point where I needed more help, and we decided it would be a good time for him to leave his job and work with me. Our business skill sets and strengths compliment each other well. But working together has been much harder than we ever anticipated. My husband is really smart, but it feels like he forgets that I’m the one that built the business from the ground up. We’ve both become more stubborn and critical of one another, and the tension has started to spill into our marriage. Can partners to be in business together and keep a healthy relationship?

Signed, Coworker Conundrum

I love my wife but am losing attraction to her

Dear Lori and Jeff,

When I started dating my wife I couldn’t keep my hands off her. She was the most attractive woman I’d ever been with and she still looks amazing to me even after six years of marriage and two kids. The problem is that I’m losing interest in having sex with her. I still have strong desires but just not for her. I’m worried that I’ll pursue another woman and screw the whole thing up. What’s wrong with me?

Signed, On the Edge

Empty nesting: Redefining your marriage when the children leave

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have been married for over twenty years and our youngest child left for college this past fall. We got along well throughout the years and both feel as though we’re good parents. But now that the kids are out of the house, we don’t know how to interact anymore. We seem to be getting in each other’s way and there is little patience, lots of annoyance and frustration, and we need to find a way to reconnect or we may end up as silver-haired singles. Any thoughts?

Signed, Empty Nester

Wife doesn't get along with my family

Dear Jeff and Lori,

I grew up with a very close family. My parents are still together and my siblings and I decided to stay in our hometown to be near them and each other. We have a very direct and honest way of being with each other. My wife of two years comes from a small family where everyone is focused on being polite. She recently told me she doesn’t like spending time with my family because, in her experience, they are abrasive and she feels criticized by them. I don’t see it that way. I think they really care and want what’s best for us. How can I get my wife to see that and be able to appreciate my family more?

Signed, Between A Rock And A Hard Place

It's Not About The Cookies: When parenting conflicts pull couples apart

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I had a great marriage for the first few years. We both wanted children and are blessed with three beautiful kids. They are our world and we are dedicated to being great parents. After our youngest was born, we had a few unforeseen financial issues arise, which have caused both of us to need to work full time. Over the last few years our marriage has increasingly suffered. We have almost no time for just the two of us, and we’re constantly snapping at each other over how to raise the kids. A therapist we saw said we needed to commit to a regular date night, but we really don’t have the time or money, and the idea has just added more stress. Is there anything else we can do, or do we just have to wait it out until the kids are more self-sufficient?

Signed, Missing My Wife

Athletic pursuits create relationship rift

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My husband and I used to play together outdoors year-round. It was a big part of what initially brought us together. We moved to Aspen a few years ago, and he became much more athletically competitive. I’m really proud of him and love cheering him on, but his need to keep getting stronger and faster has also resulted in me feeling left behind. Hiking, biking, and now skiing has become a battle just to keep up. He keeps pushing me because he doesn’t want to slow down and wait for me. I’ve told him it’s not fun for me to always have to go that hard, but he’s always training for something and not willing to miss the workout. I’m worried if we stay on this path that we’ll keep drifting apart.

Signed, Left Behind in the Bowl

She Said, He Said: A Relationship advice blog written by Married, Marriage Therapists

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