My partner snooped through my phone. Is that a dealbreaker?

Dear Jeff and Lori,

I recently caught my girlfriend going through my phone. I gave her the passcode so she could look at photos from our trips together, not anticipating that she would continue using it to snoop. She says she has the right to know who I’m talking to and what’s being said. I’ve never cheated on her, but she has always been jealous of my female friends. I no longer have any contact with past casual hookups, but I’m not willing to cut off communication with other friends for my girlfriend. I believe a little privacy is healthy in relationships, but she is becoming increasingly insistent on having an all-access pass. Who’s right?

Signed, Over Her Shady Snooping

Husband wants sex more than I do

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband seems to want sex all the time—or at least it seems that way because he constantly brings up that we don’t do it often enough. I think he’s overly focused on it and is unrealistic about how often married couples are actually physically intimate. He says his sex drive is normal and that all guys feel this way. I try to explain that I’m just not in the mood as often as he is but he just becomes irritable towards me. He says that men need regular sex and I should have known that when I agreed to marry him. The tension has just gotten worse over time. He’s not relenting, and I don’t want to force myself to have sex just to keep the peace. How do we get past this?

Signed, Not In The Mood

Wife lied about her sexual past

Dear Lori and Jeff,

A few months ago when my wife and I were unpacking from a move, I came across an old notebook that contained the names of 50 or 60 men. When I asked my wife about it she said it was just a group of college research project participants, but she was so nervous in answering that I knew she wasn’t being honest. When I pressed the issue, she admitted that it was a list of men she had slept with before meeting me. When we were getting serious in our relationship, we went through the usual disclosure of our sexual pasts and she had made it sound like she had only been with around 15 other guys, which is more in line with my history. I don’t want to hold the past against her, but I’m struggling with the fact that she lied to me about such an important topic. I feel like I was robbed of the chance to decide for myself whether or not her dating history was a deal-breaker. Our marriage is mostly good and we have a three-year old child so I don’t want to blow things up, but I’m left feeling betrayed and stuck. What should I do?

Signed, Haunted by Her History

Rebuilding trust after financial infidelity

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I just recently found out that my wife has been keeping a secret bank account. We married six years ago, and at that time agreed to combine our finances. We both work full time and contribute equally to building our nest egg. I’m not necessarily upset about the money, but I’m incredibly angry that she has been lying to me this whole time. I don’t know how I’m supposed to trust her again. I love her and the life that we have together, but fear that we won’t ever get past this. Please help.

Sincerely, In The Dark

Financially dependent boyfriend wants to move in

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My boyfriend and I have been together for seven months and recently he’s been advocating to move in with me. We have a lot in common and I appreciate that he helps me have fun. He’s also incredibly loyal and tells me all of the time how much he loves me. However, I’ve spent my 20s and early 30s building a successful career and becoming financially independent. He’s still “enjoying” life and has been slower to figure out what he wants to do. As a result, I foot the bill for most of our dates and vacations. I wouldn’t mind if he was in school or actively working toward a career, but he spends a lot of time on the couch. I don’t want to become his bank account. However, he insists that if we live together, he’ll be more motivated and I wonder if this is the opportunity he needs to get his life on track.

Signed, Cohabitation Hesitation

Should we try an open marriage?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I have been together for four years and going into the relationship, I was aware of her bisexual past. When she committed to a life with me, she said that she was both emotionally and physically fulfilled by our connection and ready to fully commit to me. In the past few months, she has hinted at the idea of bringing a good female friend of hers into our relationship, not just for sex, but for a long-term polyamorous experience. This is uncharted territory for me and I was hoping you could guide me through the process of making a decision on whether I’m ready for something like this.

Sincerely, Trio Tentative

Pressures of conceiving can bring to light other relationship problems

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I were both ambivalent about kids for a long time but about a year ago we decided we’d try to have one. The last few months have been really difficult. We never imagined it would take this long to conceive. My wife has begun micromanaging my life, assuming that I’m the problem. She’s fixated on what I’m eating and drinking, and how much time I’m on my bike. I can’t stand being around her right now, I just find myself wanting to point out all the things she’s not doing perfectly. IVF is expensive and not really feasible for us so I’m ready to move on as just the two of us, but frankly I’m scared to tell her that. It’s crazy. Neither of us were adamant about being parents before, but now she’s become obsessed. This whole process is destroying our relationship. How do we get back to where we were?

Signed Missing My Marriage

Be honest with yourself before jumping into casual sex summer dating

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’ve been single through most of COVID and am feeling ready to get back into the dating game this summer. As more people are getting vaccinated, the dating scene seems like it’s cueing up to be a feeding frenzy. My friends are talking about using the hookup-rinse-repeat cycle as often as they can fit into their schedules. That’s just never been me. I’m anxious that the people I meet will have expectations for casual encounters. My best friend said I should loosen up and just have fun for a few months. It’s hard enough that I’ve been out of the scene for so long, but this is just making me feel even more overwhelmed. How do I navigate dating in this scene and still stay true to myself.

Signed, Scared to Jump In

Can't commit, wondering if there's someone better

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I met a guy about a year ago online. Both of us were pretty cautious about COVID and found ourselves becoming more distanced from friends who were less concerned and living life more freely. As a result, we ended up becoming each other’s main connection and support. If it weren’t for COVID, things probably wouldn’t have progressed so quickly. Now that the world is starting to open up again, I don’t know if I want to continue staying attached to him. There’s nothing inherently wrong with our relationship. I like him, am attracted to him and enjoy spending time with him, but I’m curious if there’s someone better for me out there. On the other hand, I’m worried about walking away from someone who might possibly be the one. Help!

Signed, Tempted To Try Something New

What to do when dating apps aren't working for you

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I ended a two-year relationship a few months before the pandemic hit and so, for almost a year and half, it’s just been my dog and me. I’m now fully vaccinated and things seem to be moving back in the right direction for a bit more normalcy in the world and I’d like to start thinking about dating again and possibly finding someone to spend the rest of my life with. I’ve tried dating apps in the past and have been reading about all the different strategies online but they all seem very impersonal and formulaic. I know I have some less-than-ideal dating patterns from the past that have landed me some less-than-ideal men so I’d like to figure some of those out along the way. Do you have any advice for both dating strategies and to help me understand my past patterns?

Ready To Date

Wife wants me to do counseling on own before couples work

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife has been seeing a therapist for the past six months, working on some issues around the death of her mother and the resulting care of her father who suffers from dementia. She says she has learned a lot about herself and now realizes how unhappy she is with our marriage. She says she is willing to do couples counseling but not until I do my own counseling to resolve some of my own issues. I don’t want to lose the marriage and am willing to look at my baggage but it feels like she is setting a requirement for me that I’m not sure I know how to meet. Even if I do start my own counseling, how will she know when I’m “ready” to begin working on our marriage?

Signed, Told to Fly Solo

Boyfriend won't communicate about his feelings

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over three years and we’ve never really communicated very well. I’m more expressive with my feelings and I’m always sharing my experiences with him but he rarely lets me know how he’s feeling or if anything is bothering him. He says he doesn’t really have strong emotions and doesn't see the need to talk about them. He’s always saying, “that’s just how I am” and if I don’t like it I can find another guy who’s more in touch with his “feminine side.” I don’t want another guy but I wish he could just open up a little more and let me in. What should I do?

Signed, Wanting Deeper Connection

Torn between trip with friends and anniversary with wife

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’ve been invited to go on a guy’s bike trip this spring but it’s the same time as my anniversary when my wife had planned a weekend getaway. I was trying to figure out a way to overlap the two events by having my wife meet me right after the bike trip but I would also have to leave the bike trip a day early, which means they would have to change the route a bit to get me back in time. I know it looks like I’m tweaking things so that I can do it all, but I’m really just trying to make everyone happy. My wife says I’m trying to manipulate the situation and everyone involved so I can get what I want. What’s your take?

Signed, Am I Being Selfish?

Struggling with partner's fading career dreams

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My boyfriend is incredibly smart and studied hospitality in college. When we met 4 years ago, his dream was to be the GM of a luxury hotel. But in the time we’ve been together, he hasn’t taken any steps towards advancing his career and is still bartending at the same restaurant. He’s been hinting at wanting to get engaged, but I’m struggling to get past his lack of career motivation. I know he’s good at his job and makes good money, and I understand that going back to school can seem overwhelming, but he sold himself as wanting to become a powerful agent in his industry. Now he just complains everyday about the long hours on his feet and the rude customers he had to serve. I’m not sure I want to commit my life to this, but I do love every other aspect of him. What should I do?

Signed, Wanting Him to Aspire

Girlfriend not making enough time for me or relationship

Dear Jeff and Lori,

I love my girlfriend, but I’m really starting to question whether she can meet my needs in our relationship. We’ve been living together for 2 years, and over the last year it seems like I’ve slowly fallen further down her priority list. I feel like I’ve been doing a good job of clearly and kindly asking for what I need, including more time together, and to be included more in decisions. But she has started to respond with frustration, saying I need too much from her. I know she’s busy with work and taking care of her parents, but she also makes time to ski and hike with friends. Since the pandemic started I’m able to work from home with a flexible schedule and think it’s a great opportunity for us to be together more. How can I help her see that the focus should be more on our relationship?

Signed, Wanting More

Missing physical touch during pandemic online dating

Dear Lori and Jeff,

Physical touch is my love language. I’ve always used it as a way to test my level of interest in a guy—resting my hand on his leg, casually leaning up against him, even initiating the first kiss. That touch, and his response to it, was often my chemistry litmus test to assess how close I wanted to be to someone. But now with online dating, I’m struggling to gauge my interest in them. Even when I finally get to meet some of these guys in person, physical closeness is still off-limits. I’ve cycled through half a dozen guys in the last few months and am feeling more confused than ever. I want to be in a relationship but I don’t know how to get there when I’m six feet away. Help!

Signed, Out Of Touch

DatingLori KretJanuary 27, 2021Aspen Relationship Institutedating advice blog, dating app advice, online dating coachComment

Don't stay in a relationship just because of the pandemic

Dear Lori and Jeff,

Over the past few months, my girlfriend and I have been realizing that maybe our relationship is nearing its end. We’ve been together for two years and still really care about each other, but neither of us has been really happy since the summer. We’ve both threatened to leave during arguments, but the truth is that going through a breakup and being single during a pandemic doesn’t sound great either. Do you think it’s wrong to stay together until the world gets back to some semblance of normal?

Signed, Waiting It Out

What to do when mom doesn't approve of girlfriend

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about two years and I think I’m ready to make a deeper commitment. We enjoy our time together, have a lot in common and have a good balance with time spent apart with our careers and individual interests. The only problem is that my mother can’t seem to accept her and approve of our relationship. She says things like, “Are you sure you’re ready to settle down?” and “Do you really think she’s the one?” but I suspect it’s more about the fact that she thinks my girlfriend isn’t good enough for me. She has recently started making subtle comments in front of my girlfriend. I feel really awkward when this happens so I try to just brush it off, but my girlfriend has gotten upset with me for not standing up for her. She says I need to resolve this issue before we move forward with our relationship. I feel stuck between the two most important women in my life. What can I do?

Signed, Rock And A Hard Place

Healthy communication requires knowing when to listen and when to offer advice

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I am really struggling with my husband who is a great guy but most of the time just doesn’t understand me. Whenever I ask to talk with him about something that’s bothering me, he jumps right in and tries to fix it without fully hearing what I have to say. While I appreciate his desire to help me, he seems to have no idea of how I’m feeling or what I’m actually going through. How can I get him to listen to me without needing to fix it every time?

Signed, Not Looking For A Handyman

How to know if a relationship is moving too fast

Dear Jeff and Lori,

I'm struggling with letting my guard down in my current relationship. We were both recently separated from our spouses when we met, and he moved in with me very quickly during the first COVID lockdown. Both of our marriages were unhealthy, and I moved quickly to file for divorce. My partner, however, has a son who has been very open about his disapproval of his dad’s choice to leave the marriage. My partner says he is fully committed to me and has proposed, but is afraid that filing for divorce now will sever his relationship with his son. I also know that he’s in regular contact with his wife, and that she still wants to make the marriage work. I feel so insecure right now and keep asking him to finalize his divorce. Am I wrong to feel this way?

Signed, Insecurely In Love

She Said, He Said: A Relationship advice blog written by Married, Marriage Therapists

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