Aspen Relationship Institute

She Said, He Said: A Relationship advice blog written by Married, Marriage Therapists

Posts tagged relationship counseling

How do I know if she is the one?

How do I know if she is the one?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My girlfriend of 3 years is dropping some not-so-subtle hints that she’s ready to get engaged. She’s great and I love her, but I’m not ready to make that commitment to her yet. I’m not totally sure why. I’m in my mid 30’s and it’s not that I don’t want to settle down, in reality I feel like I’ve already done that with her in this relationship. I’m just not sure how I’m supposed to know if she’s the one I’m meant to be with for the rest of my life. I’m attracted to her, and we have a lot in common, but not everything. I feel like I should just know if she’s the one, and I don’t. What do I do?

Signed, Is She The One?

Dating, Pre-maritalLori KretNovember 4, 2020Aspen Relationship Instituterelationship counseling, relationship coaching, premarital counseling, premarital coaching, relationship advice, should i propose, dating advice blog, relationship blog, relationship advice blog, is she the one, should we get married, when to get engaged, girlfriend ready for marriage, not ready for marriageComment

Age gap in dating: what's too old?

Age gap in dating: what's too old?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’m 36 and think I’ve finally met the man of my dreams. He’s handsome, kind, funny, sensitive, has a great career and knows what he wants in life. The only problem is that he just turned 50 and I’m worried that our age difference is going to be an issue further down the road.

Signed, The Younger Woman

DatingLori KretOctober 26, 2020Aspen Relationship Institutecouples coaching, relationship advice, Dating advice, dating tips, relationship advice blog, relationship blog, dating advice blog, relationship coaching, relationship counseling, age gap in dating, age difference in dating, dating much older man, dating much younger woman, what's too big of an age difference, attracted to much older manComment

Avoiding dating because afraid of making the same mistakes

Avoiding dating because afraid of making the same mistakes

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I quickly fell in love with my college sweetheart and we married right after we graduated. The marriage slowly deteriorated and we hung on for much longer than we should have. We finally ended things and I’m now a year out from the divorce. I feel like I’m ready to meet someone and have been dating for the last few months, but I’m so overwhelmed. I’m afraid if I connect with anyone I’ll fall too fast and make the same mistake again. So after a few dates I’m finding myself pulling away or coming up with excuses to cut it off. I really do want a relationship, but won’t let myself get attached. Please help.

Signed, Once Bitten

Wife stopped putting effort into her appearance

Wife stopped putting effort into her appearance

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife is a beautiful, amazing, multifaceted woman. We’ve been together 8 years and throughout our relationship she would play hard and get dirty just as often as she would put on a dress. Since COVID hit, I’ve really only seen her in sweats. I completely understand why—there hasn’t been much reason to dress up, and with all the stress it’s nice to just be comfortable. We still have fun together, but I miss relating with my feminine, sexy wife. I’m not expecting make-up and heels, but is there a way I can encourage her to wear something other than her daytime pajamas once in a while?

Signed, Sick of Sweats

Sex and Intimacy, ConnectionLori KretSeptember 9, 2020Aspen Relationship Institutemarriage counseling, marriage coaching, relationship counseling, couples counseling, relationship advice, COVID marriage, COVID relationship, healthy sex life, married sex life, marriage advice blog, wife became frumpy, wife stopped caring about appearance, wife stopped dressing up, wife stopped taking care of herselfComment

For great sex, make sure your partner knows what you like and want

For great sex, make sure your partner knows what you like and want

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have been together for almost six years and I still love him every bit as much as I did when we got married two years ago. The problem is that I’ve become less and less interested in sex with him as time has gone by. He’s a great guy, stable and responsible and attractive, but I sometimes fantasize about being swept away by some mysterious lover who can better fulfill my needs. I would never risk losing what we have or hurting him by leaving or having an affair but I know something has to change. Help!

Signed, Fifty Shades of Fantasy

My recent ex is now sleeping with my frenemy

My recent ex is now sleeping with my frenemy

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My ex and I were together for two years. We ended it three weeks ago on good terms, both of us acknowledging that we weren’t ready for the next step toward marriage. We decided to try to maintain a friendship because we share a social circle, and we genuinely still like each other as people. But now I’m struggling because I learned that a week after we broke up he started sleeping with someone I know. She’s part of our group of friends but truthfully I’ve never really liked her. She tends to take little digs at me but plays it off as just joking. I can’t believe that of all people, my ex has to be with her, and so soon after we broke up. I know I can’t make him stop, so can you please help me figure out how to deal with being around them.

Signed, Mean Girl Got My Guy

Break-ups, ExesLori KretAugust 15, 2020Aspen Relationship Instituterelationship counseling, relationship coaching, relationship advice, relationship advice blog, dating advice blog, ex moved on, ex-boyfriend dating, not over ex, missing my ex, ex slept with my frenemy, ex is dating an acquaintanceComment

Nuptials on pause for pandemic? Take the time to ask hard questions

Nuptials on pause for pandemic? Take the time to ask hard questions

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My fiancé and I had decided to get married this summer but because of the pandemic, we’ve been forced to postpone the wedding. The process of rescheduling has been frustrating but manageable. However, now with the delay, my fiancé has gotten cold feet. He said maybe this was a sign that we weren’t “supposed” to get married. It seems like he’s just looking for a way out. What should I do?

Signed, COVID’s Ruining My Wedding

Pre-maritalLori KretAugust 6, 2020Aspen Relationship Instituterelationship counseling, couples counseling, couples coaching, premarital counseling, premarital coaching, relationship advice, relationship advice blog, covid engagement, postponed wedding covid, Covid dating, cold feet, wedding postponed, reschedule weddingComment

Don’t jump into cohabitating because of COVID

Don’t jump into cohabitating because of COVID

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I have three roommates and my girlfriend has her own place. Before the pandemic, we’d never really talked about moving in together, but I spent most nights at her condo. When the stay at home orders hit, we decided it would be best if I temporarily moved in with her. We’ve gotten along great, and I’ve been hinting that maybe we should make this a permanent arrangement. But she says she wants to be more thoughtful about making such a big decision, rather than just falling into it. What’s a healthy process for deciding if we should take this next step in our relationship?

Sincerely, Ready to Move In

DatingLori KretMay 11, 2020Aspen Relationship Instituterelationship counseling, relationship coaching, couples counseling, couples coaching, relationship advice, dating advice blog, cohabitating during covid, moving in with girlfriend, deciding to live togetherComment

Surviving Time In Quarantine Together

Surviving Time In Quarantine Together

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My husband and I truly do love and respect each other, but I worry about being isolated together for weeks on end. We’re both very independent and invested in our careers, but as of now our work is fairly limited and we have an abundance of time on our hands together. The first week went well, treating it as a mini vacation to relax together, but already I can tell we’re starting to grate on one another. Can you give us some tips for how our relationship can stay strong through this?

Signed, Qualms in Quarantine

Boundaries, ConnectionLori KretApril 10, 2020Aspen Relationship Institutemarriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, couples coaching, relationship advice, marriage stress during COVID, marriage in quarantine, spend too much time togetherComment

Tips for staying connected during stressful times

Tips for staying connected during stressful times

Dear Readers, We don’t think it’s an overstatement to say that, for most of us, life today is not the same as it was a few weeks ago. There is, without a doubt, more uncertainty, more stress and more confusion. The recent disruptions have led to greater feelings of anxiety and fear. Whether it’s concern for your health and the health of your loved ones, your financial well-being or even whether you’ll have enough toilet paper to make it through the next few weeks, we’ve all had our normal lives turned upside down and inside out.

ConnectionLori KretMarch 30, 2020marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, relationship advice, tips to manage stress, Keep relationship healthy during COVID, connecting during stressful times, emotional intimacy stressComment

When to end an on-again-off-again relationship

When to end an on-again-off-again relationship

Dear Jeff and Lori,

I’m in my late 20’s and have been with my partner for 4 years. Twice in the last year we’ve broken up and gotten back together. Each time we decide to try again, it’s good for a few months, then one or both of us starts to question if this is really it. On paper, we seem like we’d be perfect together, we have similar interests, values, lifestyles and goals. We don’t have any big issues, but we seem to bicker all the time about the small stuff. I’m at a place in my life of being ready to get married, and I can’t do this back and forth with him anymore. I need to make a decision to go all in or get out for good. Can you help me figure out how to choose?

Signed, Should I Stay?

Dating, Break-upsLori KretMarch 2, 2020Aspen Relationship Institutemarriage counseling, marriage coaching, relationship counseling, couples counseling, relationship advice, dating advice blog, should I end my relaitonship, dating coach, on again off again relationship, commit or break upComment

How to manage different sexual styles between partners

How to manage different sexual styles between partners

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My boyfriend and I have been together for about three years and although we don’t really have any specific problems with our relationship, we do seem to be diverging on what we want in the bedroom. We started out like most new couples, always wanting to be together and having trouble keeping our hands off each other. As time went on, I was hoping to have a deeper, more emotional sexual connection, but he seems to want the opposite—a much more rowdy and physical act. I’m not saying I don’t occasionally enjoy that, but I’d also like our intimacy to include a bit more feeling and tenderness. Is that too much to ask for?

Signed, Wanting More

Dating, Sex and IntimacyLori KretFebruary 11, 2020Aspen Relationship Instituterelationship counseling, relationship coaching, relationship advice, couples counseling, sexual styles, tones of sex, partner wants different things in bedroom, manage sexual differences in relaitonship, how to have better sex, how to talk about sex, want different sexualComment

Is conflict with fiancé's kids a dealbreaker?

Is conflict with fiancé's kids a dealbreaker?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’ve recently gotten engaged to the love of my life and can’t wait to officially begin a new life with him. There is one issue that’s giving me cold feet—the two boys from his previous marriage. I’ve tried so hard to have them accept me, not as a replacement for their mother, but as someone who’s important to their dad. No matter what I do, they are rude and sarcastic to me and make me feel like I have no business being part of their family. I am kind, supportive, forgiving and understanding but I get none of that in return. My fiancée understands what I’m going through but is reluctant to step in and defend me when it’s obvious they’ve crossed the line. Is this a big enough reason to put off the wedding or should I keep trying to integrate into their lives?

Signed, Cold Feet

Boundaries, Parenting, Pre-maritalLori KretJanuary 27, 2020Aspen Relationship Institutemarriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, premarital counseling, relationship advice, fiance's kids are rude, blended family, fiance's kids don't like me, conflict with fiance's kids, marrying someone with children, becoming a step-parent, step-children are awefulComment

I don't initiate sex because I don't want to be rejected

I don't initiate sex because I don't want to be rejected

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I still have great sex but it’s way less frequent than it was when first met a few years ago. My wife says she wants me to initiate more but I really don’t like feeling rejected when she isn’t in the mood. I try to look for signs from her that show she’s interested as it gets later in the evening. I listen for subtle things she might say, like if she’s tired or stressed. I check out what she’s wearing to bed and whether or not she’s put in her retainer. I know this isn’t a foolproof strategy but I’m at a loss of what else to do.

Signed, Looking For Signs

Sex and IntimacyLori KretDecember 17, 2019Aspen Relationship Institutemarriage counseling, marriage coaching, marriage therapy, relationship counseling, relationship coaching, couples counseling, relationship advice, initiate sex, don't want to be rejected in bed, have better sex, have more sex in marriage, how to talk about sexComment

Manage the stress of visiting in-laws during the holiday

Manage the stress of visiting in-laws during the holiday

Dear Lori and Jeff,

Thanksgiving is coming up soon and I’m feeling really stressed. I’ve recently gotten engaged, and can’t wait to get married. But I am at my wits’ end with trying to figure out how to have a positive relationship with my future mother-in-law. She constantly compares me to my fiancé’s ex-wife, whom she adores, and still has a relationship with. It seems every time I’m in the same room as her she makes backhanded comments to and about me. He reassures me how much he loves me and that his mom just needs time to get to know me, but the more I’m around her, the less I want a relationship with her. He has a really close family, and it’s important to him that I make an effort. Help!

Signed, Future MIL Hates Me

In-LawsLori KretDecember 2, 2019Aspen Relationship Institutemarriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, premarital counseling, relationship advice, holiday with in-laws, conflict with in-laws, MIL-DIL, MIL-DIL relationship, fiance's family doesn't accept me, future MIL doesn't like meComment

When sex life becomes routine, create new experiences with same playbook

When sex life becomes routine, create new experiences with same playbook

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My girlfriend and I have been together for about three years and we’re in a rut. I still think she’s very attractive and she says the same about me. The problem is that our sex life has become too routine. We seem to just be going through the motions in a predictable sequence. We’re not looking for new ways to do it but it seems like we’ve done everything we want to do.

Sincerely, In A Rut

Sex and IntimacyLori KretAugust 22, 2019Aspen Relationship Institutemarriage counseling, marriage coaching, relationship counseling, couples counseling, relationship advice, intimacy coach, sex with partner is boring, intimacy problems, sexually unsatisfied, sex rutComment

Communication problems start when partners try to be right

Communication problems start when partners try to be right

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I have been together for about three years and we still can’t seem to have a discussion about anything important without it ending up in a fight. I feel as though I speak in a calm and neutral way, but she accuses me of being stubborn and aggressive. I am simply stating my side of the issue and believe I’m open to hearing hers, but often don’t think she ever takes into account that I might be right. We’ve gotten to the point where we just don’t talk about anything of substance in fear that it will erupt into an argument. How do we get back on the same page?

Signed, Communication Breakdown

CommunicationLori KretAugust 15, 2019Aspen Relationship Institutemarriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, couples coaching, premarital counseling, relationship advice, Communication problems, help communicating, marriage conflict, not communicating well, fighting about everythingComment

How can I understand why my partner cheated

How can I understand why my partner cheated

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have been married for over fifteen years and have three beautiful children. We’ve had our ups and downs over the years but I honestly thought things were going well between us. About three months ago, I found out he had an affair with an ex-girlfriend. He says it’s over now and was a huge mistake and that he still loves me and wants me to forgive him. I do still love him and want to make things work, but I still can’t wrap my head around why he did what he did. Can you help me understand?

Signed, Can’t Move Forward

InfidelityLori KretJuly 29, 2019Aspen Relationship Institutemarriage counseling, marriage therapy, relationship counseling, couples counseling, relationship advice, why did my partner cheat, husband had affair, how to move forward after affair, staying together after affair, how to forgive affair, why did my husband cheatComment

New Year 2019: An invitation to reflect on your relationship

New Year 2019: An invitation to reflect on your relationship

A letter to our readers:

We know, first hand, how easy it is to be swept up in the magic of the new year with festivities, friends and fresh starts. But we’d like to take this opportunity to invite you to sink a little deeper into what this joyous time really provides—opportunities for reflection and reconnection. Much of our work focuses on trying to understand what makes great relationships crumble. Time and time again, we observed complacency as a silent source of erosion. We could write chapters on why—fears, vulnerabilities, resentments, comfort and taking each other for granted are just a few. But for all of us in an intimate relationship, being able to recognize complacency and choosing to love a little more actively is a powerful game changer.

Connection, HolidayLori KretDecember 25, 2018Aspen Relationship Institutemarriage counseling, relationship counseling, relationship coaching, premarital counseling, relationship advice, new year relationship resolutionComment

I want the relationship to work but he won’t change

I want the relationship to work but he won’t change

Dear Lori and Jeff:

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years and I love him more than I've loved anyone else. He's smart, fun and always there for me. The problem is I'm comfortable with my emotions but he's closed off and won't really let me in. I want him realize how lucky he is to have me in his life and open up to me, but I really don't think he'll change.

Signed, Emotionally Lonely

Emotional IntimacyLori KretApril 19, 2018marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, emotional intimacy, vulnerability, how do i know if he's the one, boyfriend won't change, emotionally toxic relationship, boyfriend lacks emotional inteligenceComment