She Said, He Said Blog — Aspen Relationship Institute

Aspen Relationship Institute

She Said, He Said: A Relationship advice blog written by Married, Marriage Therapists

Posts tagged couples counseling

Don't stay in a relationship just because of the pandemic

Don't stay in a relationship just because of the pandemic

Dear Lori and Jeff,

Over the past few months, my girlfriend and I have been realizing that maybe our relationship is nearing its end. We’ve been together for two years and still really care about each other, but neither of us has been really happy since the summer. We’ve both threatened to leave during arguments, but the truth is that going through a breakup and being single during a pandemic doesn’t sound great either. Do you think it’s wrong to stay together until the world gets back to some semblance of normal?

Signed, Waiting It Out

Dating, Break-upsLori KretJanuary 16, 2021Aspen Relationship Instituterelationship coaching, couples counseling, couples coaching, relationship advice, Covid dating tips, relationship advice blog, dating advice blog, when to break upComment

Healthy communication requires knowing when to listen and when to offer advice

Healthy communication requires knowing when to listen and when to offer advice

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I am really struggling with my husband who is a great guy but most of the time just doesn’t understand me. Whenever I ask to talk with him about something that’s bothering me, he jumps right in and tries to fix it without fully hearing what I have to say. While I appreciate his desire to help me, he seems to have no idea of how I’m feeling or what I’m actually going through. How can I get him to listen to me without needing to fix it every time?

Signed, Not Looking For A Handyman

CommunicationLori KretDecember 16, 2020Aspen Relationship Institutemarriage counseling, marriage coaching, marriage therapy, couples counseling, couples coaching, couples therapy, relationship advice, Communication problems, marriage problems, not listening, empathy, relationship advice blog, marriage blog, marriage advice blogComment

Manage anger by being more open and vulnerable

Manage anger by being more open and vulnerable

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’m finding that in the past several months, my fuse has gotten much shorter and I’ve been reacting to my wife with a higher level of anger and frustration than I ever have in the past. I’ve often felt like my wife can be a bit harsh and critical but I’ve always been able to deal with her comments before. Maybe it’s that we’re spending more time together because of COVID but I think it has more to do with a tipping point where I’ve just simply had enough. She says I need to get anger management help, which makes me feel like it’s all my fault. I think we need marriage counseling, which she refuses to do. What should I do?

Signed, Waning Wick

Communication, Emotional Intimacy, VulnerabilityLori KretSeptember 25, 2020Aspen Relationship Institutemarriage counseling, couples counseling, couples therapy, relationship advice, relationship advice blog, marriage advice blog, tips for managing anger in marriage, communication problems in marriage, anger management tips, wife wont go to counseling, wife wants me to go to counselingComment

Wife stopped putting effort into her appearance

Wife stopped putting effort into her appearance

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife is a beautiful, amazing, multifaceted woman. We’ve been together 8 years and throughout our relationship she would play hard and get dirty just as often as she would put on a dress. Since COVID hit, I’ve really only seen her in sweats. I completely understand why—there hasn’t been much reason to dress up, and with all the stress it’s nice to just be comfortable. We still have fun together, but I miss relating with my feminine, sexy wife. I’m not expecting make-up and heels, but is there a way I can encourage her to wear something other than her daytime pajamas once in a while?

Signed, Sick of Sweats

Sex and Intimacy, ConnectionLori KretSeptember 9, 2020Aspen Relationship Institutemarriage counseling, marriage coaching, relationship counseling, couples counseling, relationship advice, COVID marriage, COVID relationship, healthy sex life, married sex life, marriage advice blog, wife became frumpy, wife stopped caring about appearance, wife stopped dressing up, wife stopped taking care of herselfComment

For great sex, make sure your partner knows what you like and want

For great sex, make sure your partner knows what you like and want

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have been together for almost six years and I still love him every bit as much as I did when we got married two years ago. The problem is that I’ve become less and less interested in sex with him as time has gone by. He’s a great guy, stable and responsible and attractive, but I sometimes fantasize about being swept away by some mysterious lover who can better fulfill my needs. I would never risk losing what we have or hurting him by leaving or having an affair but I know something has to change. Help!

Signed, Fifty Shades of Fantasy

Nuptials on pause for pandemic? Take the time to ask hard questions

Nuptials on pause for pandemic? Take the time to ask hard questions

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My fiancé and I had decided to get married this summer but because of the pandemic, we’ve been forced to postpone the wedding. The process of rescheduling has been frustrating but manageable. However, now with the delay, my fiancé has gotten cold feet. He said maybe this was a sign that we weren’t “supposed” to get married. It seems like he’s just looking for a way out. What should I do?

Signed, COVID’s Ruining My Wedding

Pre-maritalLori KretAugust 6, 2020Aspen Relationship Instituterelationship counseling, couples counseling, couples coaching, premarital counseling, premarital coaching, relationship advice, relationship advice blog, covid engagement, postponed wedding covid, Covid dating, cold feet, wedding postponed, reschedule weddingComment

How to move beyond conflict stalemates with your spouse

How to move beyond conflict stalemates with your spouse

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have been married for four years. For the first three years, we had normal ups and downs, but now we’ve gotten to the point where I think he needs to make some significant changes in how he shows up in the relationship and he says the same about me. The resentment has been growing on both sides and now neither one of us seems willing to budge enough to appease the other. How can we move forward without either of us having to feel like we’re just giving in?

Signed, Stuck In A Rut

Communication, Emotional IntimacyLori KretJuly 3, 2020Aspen Relationship Institutemarriage counseling, couples counseling, Communication problems, marriage falling apart, marriage conflict, marriage advice blog, relationship advice blog, how to heal resentment in marriage, constantly fighting with spouse, Gottman's four horses, marriage problems, spouse won't change, we both stopped putting effort into marriageComment

How to parent adult children who moved back home

How to parent adult children who moved back home

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I had been enjoying the first year without our kids in the house, as they are both in college out of state. Because of the virus, they’ve both been sent home and now we have a full house once again. Don’t get me wrong, I love spending more time with my kids, but they’ve gotten used to a more “unsupervised” lifestyle at college so my wife and I feel more like residence hall assistants than parents. We’ve also lost our privacy, which our kids don’t understand. My wife seems to be more accepting of the situation and I feel like I’m the odd man out. How do we stand firm together without creating an unmanageable situation?

Signed, Empty Nester No More

Parenting, BoundariesLori KretJune 22, 2020Aspen Relationship Institutemarriage counseling, couples counseling, parenting adult children, kids moved back home after college, adult children living with parents, setting boundaries for adult childrenComment

Boyfriend pursued me then stopped putting in any effort

Boyfriend pursued me then stopped putting in any effort

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My boyfriend and I met a year ago through mutual friends. I wasn’t interested in dating anyone at the time, but he put an incredible amount of effort into convincing me to give him a chance. He sent me cute little gifts, surprised me at work with lunch, and talked about the places he’d like to take me. I caved and eventually agreed to date him. The first few months together were exactly what he promised; romantic dates, thoughtful surprises, and fun adventures. The energy he was putting into us really inspired me to bring my best self as well. But after I became invested in the relationship things started to shift. He gradually got less romantic, and now the tables have turned so I’m the one that is always having to plan things. For months he hasn’t been the romantic guy he sold himself as. What do I do?

Signed, He’s Phoning It In

DatingLori KretJune 8, 2020Aspen Relationship Institutecouples counseling, relationship advice, dating advice blog, dating coachComment

Wife keeps rehashing the past and won't let it go

Wife keeps rehashing the past and won't let it go

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife of two years and I seem to have very different ways of dealing with conflicts in our marriage. I am able to get over things pretty quickly and move on but my wife seems to hold on and can’t let go. Even when she seems to have moved on, she inevitably brings things back up as ammunition for an argument or conflict we’re having in the present. I’ve told her many times that this kind of behavior doesn't work for me and she promises to work on it but she never does. Any ideas?

Signed, I Wish She’d Get Over It

CommunicationLori KretMay 26, 2020Aspen Relationship Institutemarriage counseling, marriage therapy, couples counseling, relationship advice, wife doesn't fight fair, fighting fair in marriage, wife won't let past go, spouse brings up past in every argument, communication tools, marriage conflict, better communication in marriageComment

Don’t jump into cohabitating because of COVID

Don’t jump into cohabitating because of COVID

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I have three roommates and my girlfriend has her own place. Before the pandemic, we’d never really talked about moving in together, but I spent most nights at her condo. When the stay at home orders hit, we decided it would be best if I temporarily moved in with her. We’ve gotten along great, and I’ve been hinting that maybe we should make this a permanent arrangement. But she says she wants to be more thoughtful about making such a big decision, rather than just falling into it. What’s a healthy process for deciding if we should take this next step in our relationship?

Sincerely, Ready to Move In

DatingLori KretMay 11, 2020Aspen Relationship Instituterelationship counseling, relationship coaching, couples counseling, couples coaching, relationship advice, dating advice blog, cohabitating during covid, moving in with girlfriend, deciding to live togetherComment

Surviving Time In Quarantine Together

Surviving Time In Quarantine Together

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My husband and I truly do love and respect each other, but I worry about being isolated together for weeks on end. We’re both very independent and invested in our careers, but as of now our work is fairly limited and we have an abundance of time on our hands together. The first week went well, treating it as a mini vacation to relax together, but already I can tell we’re starting to grate on one another. Can you give us some tips for how our relationship can stay strong through this?

Signed, Qualms in Quarantine

Boundaries, ConnectionLori KretApril 10, 2020Aspen Relationship Institutemarriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, couples coaching, relationship advice, marriage stress during COVID, marriage in quarantine, spend too much time togetherComment

Tips for staying connected during stressful times

Tips for staying connected during stressful times

Dear Readers, We don’t think it’s an overstatement to say that, for most of us, life today is not the same as it was a few weeks ago. There is, without a doubt, more uncertainty, more stress and more confusion. The recent disruptions have led to greater feelings of anxiety and fear. Whether it’s concern for your health and the health of your loved ones, your financial well-being or even whether you’ll have enough toilet paper to make it through the next few weeks, we’ve all had our normal lives turned upside down and inside out.

ConnectionLori KretMarch 30, 2020marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, relationship advice, tips to manage stress, Keep relationship healthy during COVID, connecting during stressful times, emotional intimacy stressComment

Spouse constantly lies to me

Spouse constantly lies to me

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I often catch my wife lying about small things and it’s driving me crazy. I believe that she’s faithful, but can’t understand why she won’t be honest about why she’s often late or why she didn’t do the errands she said she would do. I know she doesn’t plan her days well, and this is a major issue in our marriage. She always tries to squeeze in time to do things for herself, but then she never admits it. The fact that she doesn’t get stuff done is frustrating enough, but lying about why she falls short is pushing me over the edge. How can I get her to tell the truth so that this marriage can last?

Signed, Truth Seeker

Communication, ConnectionLori KretMarch 16, 2020Aspen Relationship Institutemarriage counseling, relationship coaching, couples counseling, relationship advice, spouse lies, spouse isn't honest, how can I get spouse to tell the truth, want spouse to be more honest, why partners lie, why people lie, how to be more honestComment

When to end an on-again-off-again relationship

When to end an on-again-off-again relationship

Dear Jeff and Lori,

I’m in my late 20’s and have been with my partner for 4 years. Twice in the last year we’ve broken up and gotten back together. Each time we decide to try again, it’s good for a few months, then one or both of us starts to question if this is really it. On paper, we seem like we’d be perfect together, we have similar interests, values, lifestyles and goals. We don’t have any big issues, but we seem to bicker all the time about the small stuff. I’m at a place in my life of being ready to get married, and I can’t do this back and forth with him anymore. I need to make a decision to go all in or get out for good. Can you help me figure out how to choose?

Signed, Should I Stay?

Dating, Break-upsLori KretMarch 2, 2020Aspen Relationship Institutemarriage counseling, marriage coaching, relationship counseling, couples counseling, relationship advice, dating advice blog, should I end my relaitonship, dating coach, on again off again relationship, commit or break upComment

How to manage different sexual styles between partners

How to manage different sexual styles between partners

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My boyfriend and I have been together for about three years and although we don’t really have any specific problems with our relationship, we do seem to be diverging on what we want in the bedroom. We started out like most new couples, always wanting to be together and having trouble keeping our hands off each other. As time went on, I was hoping to have a deeper, more emotional sexual connection, but he seems to want the opposite—a much more rowdy and physical act. I’m not saying I don’t occasionally enjoy that, but I’d also like our intimacy to include a bit more feeling and tenderness. Is that too much to ask for?

Signed, Wanting More

Dating, Sex and IntimacyLori KretFebruary 11, 2020Aspen Relationship Instituterelationship counseling, relationship coaching, relationship advice, couples counseling, sexual styles, tones of sex, partner wants different things in bedroom, manage sexual differences in relaitonship, how to have better sex, how to talk about sex, want different sexualComment

Is conflict with fiancé's kids a dealbreaker?

Is conflict with fiancé's kids a dealbreaker?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’ve recently gotten engaged to the love of my life and can’t wait to officially begin a new life with him. There is one issue that’s giving me cold feet—the two boys from his previous marriage. I’ve tried so hard to have them accept me, not as a replacement for their mother, but as someone who’s important to their dad. No matter what I do, they are rude and sarcastic to me and make me feel like I have no business being part of their family. I am kind, supportive, forgiving and understanding but I get none of that in return. My fiancée understands what I’m going through but is reluctant to step in and defend me when it’s obvious they’ve crossed the line. Is this a big enough reason to put off the wedding or should I keep trying to integrate into their lives?

Signed, Cold Feet

Boundaries, Parenting, Pre-maritalLori KretJanuary 27, 2020Aspen Relationship Institutemarriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, premarital counseling, relationship advice, fiance's kids are rude, blended family, fiance's kids don't like me, conflict with fiance's kids, marrying someone with children, becoming a step-parent, step-children are awefulComment

New Year healthy relationship guide

New Year healthy relationship guide

Dear Friends,

Welcome to 2020! The beginning of a new year offers a wonderful opportunity to reflect on who you are in your relationship today, and how you’ve come to be here. Every relationship cycles through periods of tension, resolution, flow and stagnation. Though many partners have an appreciation for the times of ease and steadiness, it’s the experience of evolving that keeps most of us feeling fulfilled in our relationships.

Connection, HolidayLori KretJanuary 18, 2020Aspen Relationship Instituterelationship coaching, couples counseling, relationship advice, premarital counseling, new year relationship resolution, new year marriage advice, how to assess relationship, what is a healthy relaitonship, how to have a good relationship, is my relationship healthyComment

Wife spends too much on kids Christmas presents

Wife spends too much on kids Christmas presents

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I have two kids. We regularly talk about parenting, and usually discuss how we’re going to handle upcoming situations, which is why I’m now completely at a loss for how to manage the current fight we’re having. My wife and I agreed in early November that we were going to buy a modest amount of useful and thoughtful presents for our kids this year. I believe the focus on the holidays should be more about family and gratitude than gifts. My wife said she agreed. I just recently learned that my wife went crazy buying clothes, toys and electronics for them. When I asked her to return some of the items, she said our children are good kids and deserve to be spoiled every now and then, and we have the money to do it. Her arguments are valid, but not to the point. I’m so frustrated with her. How do we resolve this so it doesn’t ruin Christmas?

Signed, Who’s the Grinch?

Communication, Finances, HolidayLori KretDecember 28, 2019Aspen Relationship Institutemarriage counseling, marriage coaching, couples counseling, relationship advice, marriage holiday stress, arguing with spouse about gifts for kids, spouse spoils our kids, fighting with spouse during holiday, how to talk about money with spouse, money problems in marriageComment

I don't initiate sex because I don't want to be rejected

I don't initiate sex because I don't want to be rejected

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I still have great sex but it’s way less frequent than it was when first met a few years ago. My wife says she wants me to initiate more but I really don’t like feeling rejected when she isn’t in the mood. I try to look for signs from her that show she’s interested as it gets later in the evening. I listen for subtle things she might say, like if she’s tired or stressed. I check out what she’s wearing to bed and whether or not she’s put in her retainer. I know this isn’t a foolproof strategy but I’m at a loss of what else to do.

Signed, Looking For Signs

Sex and IntimacyLori KretDecember 17, 2019Aspen Relationship Institutemarriage counseling, marriage coaching, marriage therapy, relationship counseling, relationship coaching, couples counseling, relationship advice, initiate sex, don't want to be rejected in bed, have better sex, have more sex in marriage, how to talk about sexComment