Financially dependent boyfriend wants to move in

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My boyfriend and I have been together for seven months and recently he’s been advocating to move in with me. We have a lot in common and I appreciate that he helps me have fun. He’s also incredibly loyal and tells me all of the time how much he loves me. However, I’ve spent my 20s and early 30s building a successful career and becoming financially independent. He’s still “enjoying” life and has been slower to figure out what he wants to do. As a result, I foot the bill for most of our dates and vacations. I wouldn’t mind if he was in school or actively working toward a career, but he spends a lot of time on the couch. I don’t want to become his bank account. However, he insists that if we live together, he’ll be more motivated and I wonder if this is the opportunity he needs to get his life on track.

Signed, Cohabitation Hesitation

Should we try an open marriage?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I have been together for four years and going into the relationship, I was aware of her bisexual past. When she committed to a life with me, she said that she was both emotionally and physically fulfilled by our connection and ready to fully commit to me. In the past few months, she has hinted at the idea of bringing a good female friend of hers into our relationship, not just for sex, but for a long-term polyamorous experience. This is uncharted territory for me and I was hoping you could guide me through the process of making a decision on whether I’m ready for something like this.

Sincerely, Trio Tentative

Pressures of conceiving can bring to light other relationship problems

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I were both ambivalent about kids for a long time but about a year ago we decided we’d try to have one. The last few months have been really difficult. We never imagined it would take this long to conceive. My wife has begun micromanaging my life, assuming that I’m the problem. She’s fixated on what I’m eating and drinking, and how much time I’m on my bike. I can’t stand being around her right now, I just find myself wanting to point out all the things she’s not doing perfectly. IVF is expensive and not really feasible for us so I’m ready to move on as just the two of us, but frankly I’m scared to tell her that. It’s crazy. Neither of us were adamant about being parents before, but now she’s become obsessed. This whole process is destroying our relationship. How do we get back to where we were?

Signed Missing My Marriage

Be honest with yourself before jumping into casual sex summer dating

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’ve been single through most of COVID and am feeling ready to get back into the dating game this summer. As more people are getting vaccinated, the dating scene seems like it’s cueing up to be a feeding frenzy. My friends are talking about using the hookup-rinse-repeat cycle as often as they can fit into their schedules. That’s just never been me. I’m anxious that the people I meet will have expectations for casual encounters. My best friend said I should loosen up and just have fun for a few months. It’s hard enough that I’ve been out of the scene for so long, but this is just making me feel even more overwhelmed. How do I navigate dating in this scene and still stay true to myself.

Signed, Scared to Jump In

Can't commit, wondering if there's someone better

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I met a guy about a year ago online. Both of us were pretty cautious about COVID and found ourselves becoming more distanced from friends who were less concerned and living life more freely. As a result, we ended up becoming each other’s main connection and support. If it weren’t for COVID, things probably wouldn’t have progressed so quickly. Now that the world is starting to open up again, I don’t know if I want to continue staying attached to him. There’s nothing inherently wrong with our relationship. I like him, am attracted to him and enjoy spending time with him, but I’m curious if there’s someone better for me out there. On the other hand, I’m worried about walking away from someone who might possibly be the one. Help!

Signed, Tempted To Try Something New

What to do when dating apps aren't working for you

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I ended a two-year relationship a few months before the pandemic hit and so, for almost a year and half, it’s just been my dog and me. I’m now fully vaccinated and things seem to be moving back in the right direction for a bit more normalcy in the world and I’d like to start thinking about dating again and possibly finding someone to spend the rest of my life with. I’ve tried dating apps in the past and have been reading about all the different strategies online but they all seem very impersonal and formulaic. I know I have some less-than-ideal dating patterns from the past that have landed me some less-than-ideal men so I’d like to figure some of those out along the way. Do you have any advice for both dating strategies and to help me understand my past patterns?

Ready To Date

Wife wants me to do counseling on own before couples work

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife has been seeing a therapist for the past six months, working on some issues around the death of her mother and the resulting care of her father who suffers from dementia. She says she has learned a lot about herself and now realizes how unhappy she is with our marriage. She says she is willing to do couples counseling but not until I do my own counseling to resolve some of my own issues. I don’t want to lose the marriage and am willing to look at my baggage but it feels like she is setting a requirement for me that I’m not sure I know how to meet. Even if I do start my own counseling, how will she know when I’m “ready” to begin working on our marriage?

Signed, Told to Fly Solo

Torn between trip with friends and anniversary with wife

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’ve been invited to go on a guy’s bike trip this spring but it’s the same time as my anniversary when my wife had planned a weekend getaway. I was trying to figure out a way to overlap the two events by having my wife meet me right after the bike trip but I would also have to leave the bike trip a day early, which means they would have to change the route a bit to get me back in time. I know it looks like I’m tweaking things so that I can do it all, but I’m really just trying to make everyone happy. My wife says I’m trying to manipulate the situation and everyone involved so I can get what I want. What’s your take?

Signed, Am I Being Selfish?

Struggling with partner's fading career dreams

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My boyfriend is incredibly smart and studied hospitality in college. When we met 4 years ago, his dream was to be the GM of a luxury hotel. But in the time we’ve been together, he hasn’t taken any steps towards advancing his career and is still bartending at the same restaurant. He’s been hinting at wanting to get engaged, but I’m struggling to get past his lack of career motivation. I know he’s good at his job and makes good money, and I understand that going back to school can seem overwhelming, but he sold himself as wanting to become a powerful agent in his industry. Now he just complains everyday about the long hours on his feet and the rude customers he had to serve. I’m not sure I want to commit my life to this, but I do love every other aspect of him. What should I do?

Signed, Wanting Him to Aspire

Girlfriend not making enough time for me or relationship

Dear Jeff and Lori,

I love my girlfriend, but I’m really starting to question whether she can meet my needs in our relationship. We’ve been living together for 2 years, and over the last year it seems like I’ve slowly fallen further down her priority list. I feel like I’ve been doing a good job of clearly and kindly asking for what I need, including more time together, and to be included more in decisions. But she has started to respond with frustration, saying I need too much from her. I know she’s busy with work and taking care of her parents, but she also makes time to ski and hike with friends. Since the pandemic started I’m able to work from home with a flexible schedule and think it’s a great opportunity for us to be together more. How can I help her see that the focus should be more on our relationship?

Signed, Wanting More

Don't stay in a relationship just because of the pandemic

Dear Lori and Jeff,

Over the past few months, my girlfriend and I have been realizing that maybe our relationship is nearing its end. We’ve been together for two years and still really care about each other, but neither of us has been really happy since the summer. We’ve both threatened to leave during arguments, but the truth is that going through a breakup and being single during a pandemic doesn’t sound great either. Do you think it’s wrong to stay together until the world gets back to some semblance of normal?

Signed, Waiting It Out

What to do when mom doesn't approve of girlfriend

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about two years and I think I’m ready to make a deeper commitment. We enjoy our time together, have a lot in common and have a good balance with time spent apart with our careers and individual interests. The only problem is that my mother can’t seem to accept her and approve of our relationship. She says things like, “Are you sure you’re ready to settle down?” and “Do you really think she’s the one?” but I suspect it’s more about the fact that she thinks my girlfriend isn’t good enough for me. She has recently started making subtle comments in front of my girlfriend. I feel really awkward when this happens so I try to just brush it off, but my girlfriend has gotten upset with me for not standing up for her. She says I need to resolve this issue before we move forward with our relationship. I feel stuck between the two most important women in my life. What can I do?

Signed, Rock And A Hard Place

Healthy communication requires knowing when to listen and when to offer advice

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I am really struggling with my husband who is a great guy but most of the time just doesn’t understand me. Whenever I ask to talk with him about something that’s bothering me, he jumps right in and tries to fix it without fully hearing what I have to say. While I appreciate his desire to help me, he seems to have no idea of how I’m feeling or what I’m actually going through. How can I get him to listen to me without needing to fix it every time?

Signed, Not Looking For A Handyman

How to deal with In-laws political views

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My wife has a very close relationship with her mother. Her father passed away several years ago, and her mother moved closer to us to be near us and our children. She has been a significant help in taking care of our kids, which has allowed my wife and I to keep our full time careers. However, my relationship with her has eroded due to our opposing political views. I cannot understand how she can maintain certain beliefs as they seem so narrow-minded. She has expressed feeling the same way about me. My wife is not very interested in politics, but is feeling angry for being put in the middle of this conflict. I feel stuck. My kids love their grandmother and we need her help, but I’m struggling to respect her as a person.

Signed, Stuck Son-In-Law

How do I know if she is the one?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My girlfriend of 3 years is dropping some not-so-subtle hints that she’s ready to get engaged. She’s great and I love her, but I’m not ready to make that commitment to her yet. I’m not totally sure why. I’m in my mid 30’s and it’s not that I don’t want to settle down, in reality I feel like I’ve already done that with her in this relationship. I’m just not sure how I’m supposed to know if she’s the one I’m meant to be with for the rest of my life. I’m attracted to her, and we have a lot in common, but not everything. I feel like I should just know if she’s the one, and I don’t. What do I do?

Signed, Is She The One?

Age gap in dating: what's too old?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’m 36 and think I’ve finally met the man of my dreams. He’s handsome, kind, funny, sensitive, has a great career and knows what he wants in life. The only problem is that he just turned 50 and I’m worried that our age difference is going to be an issue further down the road.

Signed, The Younger Woman

Avoiding dating because afraid of making the same mistakes

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I quickly fell in love with my college sweetheart and we married right after we graduated. The marriage slowly deteriorated and we hung on for much longer than we should have. We finally ended things and I’m now a year out from the divorce. I feel like I’m ready to meet someone and have been dating for the last few months, but I’m so overwhelmed. I’m afraid if I connect with anyone I’ll fall too fast and make the same mistake again. So after a few dates I’m finding myself pulling away or coming up with excuses to cut it off. I really do want a relationship, but won’t let myself get attached. Please help.

Signed, Once Bitten

Manage anger by being more open and vulnerable

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’m finding that in the past several months, my fuse has gotten much shorter and I’ve been reacting to my wife with a higher level of anger and frustration than I ever have in the past. I’ve often felt like my wife can be a bit harsh and critical but I’ve always been able to deal with her comments before. Maybe it’s that we’re spending more time together because of COVID but I think it has more to do with a tipping point where I’ve just simply had enough. She says I need to get anger management help, which makes me feel like it’s all my fault. I think we need marriage counseling, which she refuses to do. What should I do?

Signed, Waning Wick

Wife stopped putting effort into her appearance

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife is a beautiful, amazing, multifaceted woman. We’ve been together 8 years and throughout our relationship she would play hard and get dirty just as often as she would put on a dress. Since COVID hit, I’ve really only seen her in sweats. I completely understand why—there hasn’t been much reason to dress up, and with all the stress it’s nice to just be comfortable. We still have fun together, but I miss relating with my feminine, sexy wife. I’m not expecting make-up and heels, but is there a way I can encourage her to wear something other than her daytime pajamas once in a while?

Signed, Sick of Sweats

For great sex, make sure your partner knows what you like and want

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have been together for almost six years and I still love him every bit as much as I did when we got married two years ago. The problem is that I’ve become less and less interested in sex with him as time has gone by. He’s a great guy, stable and responsible and attractive, but I sometimes fantasize about being swept away by some mysterious lover who can better fulfill my needs. I would never risk losing what we have or hurting him by leaving or having an affair but I know something has to change. Help!

Signed, Fifty Shades of Fantasy

She Said, He Said: A Relationship advice blog written by Married, Marriage Therapists

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