Dear Jeff and Lori,

My wife is one of the most caring and compassionate people I have ever known and I love her for it. However, sometimes I feel that the level to which she cares for others is unhealthy. We have a long-time mutual friend who has been going through some challenges and my wife has lost all perspective on what is appropriate. She goes to her house multiple times a week and talks to her every night, then complains that she doesn’t have any time for herself. I feel like she’s neglecting our marriage. I keep asking her to set boundaries with this woman, but she won’t. How can I help her see what’s happening?

Signed, Feeling Forgotten

I'm married but attracted to my coworker

Dear Jeff and Lori,

I’ve been with my wife for fourteen years and married for nine. I love her and truly believe our marriage is good. I’m still very attracted to her, we are great at co-parenting and still really enjoy each other’s company. My struggle is that I’ve recently found myself very attracted to a coworker. There is a chemistry and spark with her that is invigorating. She’s smart, witty and playful and I look forward to being around her. I haven’t and won’t pursue anything outside of the office with her and I’m clear that I won’t cheat on my wife. What I want to know is whether this is normal for a married man to feel this way about someone else?

Signed, Attracted To Someone Else

Boyfriend didn't tell me our friend is his ex.

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. We met when I moved to the valley from the west coast. I didn’t really know anyone in this new community and I really enjoyed his group of friends so I quickly became part of the gang. A few weeks ago I found out that my boyfriend had had a pretty intense relationship with one of the other women in the group but no one, including my boyfriend, bothered to tell me about it. I don’t feel like I need to know their entire history, but the parts that could affect me in the present day seem to be important information for me to have. He says it’s in the past and he no longer has feelings for her but I think I should have been told as our relationship became more serious. Any thoughts?

Signed, Unknowing Friend Of His Ex

How to manage guilt over being able to travel more than spouse

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I both live in the valley and enjoy the different energy and tempo that comes with the shoulder seasons. The only challenge is that I work in the hospitality industry and am given several weeks off in October and April but my wife’s job keeps her busy year-round and she only gets two weeks of vacation every year. When the off-season rolls around, I’m itching to get out of town and go exploring but she’s stuck here with work. She is as supportive of me taking time to myself as she can be but I feel guilty when I go off on another adventure while she feels left behind. How do I make this situation more workable?

Signed, Time On My Hands

Husband doesn't support my career dreams

Dear Jeff and Lori,

Shortly after we married, my husband decided he wanted to change careers and I supported him in going back to school. It was a real struggle for me to be the primary earner, manage our home and care for our newborn. We made it through and are now able to afford a comfortable lifestyle on his income. I have always wanted to be an artist and now that we have the security, I’d like to go back to school myself. My husband has been supportive of my painting as a hobby, but he pushes back when I tell him I want to pursue a degree in art. He’s focused on the financial ROI, the costs of having to find childcare and that he doesn’t want any more responsibility at home. I’m becoming more resentful by the day. How do we get through this?

Signed, Artist In Waiting

How to create a successful long-distance relationship

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and are both approaching 30. We love each other and have talked about a “forever” future together. However, he was recently offered an incredible year-long career opportunity across the country. It’s not in a location that he would want to live in after, so it doesn’t make sense for me to quit my job and uproot my life to move with him. Neither of us have done a long-distance relationship before and after only knowing each other for a year, we’re finding it difficult to make the decision to stay together or live our lives separately and perhaps pick the relationship up again if we’re both wanting to do so when his work commitment ends. I would love to be married in a few years, so this decision holds a lot of weight. Everyone in our lives seems to have an opinion of what we should do, but we’d like help figuring out how to make this decision for ourselves.

Signed, Long Distance Resistance

Wife is unsupportive of my new healthy lifestyle

Dear Jeff and Lori:

My wife doesn’t want me to be healthy. When we met 12 years ago, we loved spending our free time having happy hour beers or grabbing burgers with friends. When we moved to the valley a few years ago, it was a shock to see how active the community is. For me, it was a welcome change. I wasn’t feeling great in my body with the extra weight I was carrying, and drinking in my 40’s was wearing on me much more than it had in my 20’s. I jumped in pretty quickly to biking and hiking and learned how to ski. I’ve invited my wife every step of the way, but instead of joining me, she just complains that I’ve changed and don’t want to spend time with her. I also think she tries to sabotage me by constantly offering me junk food when I’ve asked her a hundred times not too. When I try to tell her how great I feel after losing the weight and getting fit, she tells me I’m shaming her for being overweight. I don’t want to have to choose between taking care of myself and my marriage. What should I do?

Signed, Fighting For Fitness

How to resolve parenting conflicts for a healthier marriage

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My husband and I have fallen into a place in our marriage where we are always on edge with each other. From the beginning of our relationship, his career has always had more income potential than mine. Even though I enjoyed my work, staying home with my kids (aged 5 and 2) has been more important. My husband thinks that because the kids are in daycare a few days a week, it should be easy for me to take care of them, manage the errands and household, and have time for myself and him. I’m increasingly frustrated that these are his kids and his home and yet he thinks financially providing is all he needs to do. I want him to put in effort to help me with dinner, bath and bedtime, but he believes he deserves to unwind and take care of his own needs in the evenings. Who’s right?

Signed, Needing A Partner

How to keep the marriage strong while in business together

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I started a business together fourteen years ago, shortly after we married. I love her and appreciate how her personality and skill set complements mine. However, I feel as though we are primarily connected through our work and not our relationship. Our lives have evolved to revolve around business. There is no off-switch to separate our personal time together from work and conversations, frustrations and conflicts bleed into dinner, bedtime and vacations. After so many years in this place, I’m starting to wonder if we will have a connection or anything in common when we sell the business, which we’re hoping to do in the next few years. Both of us recognize that there’s a problem, but we can’t seem to get ourselves out of it. We’d appreciate any thoughts or ideas to help us grow in our relationship.

Signed, All Work No Passion

How to talk about improving sex with your spouse or partner

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My wife and I have been married for 17 years. We have a good marriage in that we both love and respect each other, and work well as partners in parenting and daily life. We had a great sexual connection in the early years of our marriage but over time it has become lackluster. I thought as our kids got older we would find that connection again, but they’re teenagers now and nothing has changed for the better. I don’t want to leave my marriage but I also can’t imagine spending the rest of my life feeling sexually muted. I want to grow and experiment in this area but my wife is content with occasional, routine and vanilla. I’m afraid of sounding like a stereotypical hormone driven male, but the truth is this is a big deal for me. What should I do?

Signed, Bedroom Doldrums

I want to make healthy changes, but my spouse isn't supportive

Dear Jeff and Lori,

I want to use the new year as a fresh start to begin living a healthier lifestyle. My husband and I met in our 20’s and we both prioritized going out and having a good time. We’re in our 30’s now and drinking several nights a week just doesn’t have the same appeal for me. I don’t like how tired I am all the time and want to feel better in and about my body. It’s always been hard for me to motivate myself to make positive changes and I’ve only ever been successful with someone else doing it with me. My husband says he likes our lives as they are and has no intention of doing anything differently. He’s even gone as far as even giving me a hard time about not wanting to go out so much. Please help.

Signed, New Year, Less Beer

How do I tell my wife I might be gay?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I was raised in a traditional family in a fairly conservative community so I got married early and started my own family right away. My wife is a wonderful woman who has been focused on raising the kids but now that they are a bit older, she’s been wanting to rekindle our romantic relationship. For a long time I’ve suspected that I’m gay, and although I love my beautiful wife for the person she is, I have never really been physically attracted to her. I was able to be sexually involved in the beginning of our relationship and then after the kids were born, I was relieved that her interest faded. As I get older, I realize that I don’t want to go through the rest of my life never having explored or really known my own sexuality. At the same time, I don’t want to hurt my wonderful wife or our children. Do you have any advice?

Signed, Closet Claustrophobe

$What you do on a ‘break’ can fracture a relationship$

What you do on a ‘break’ can fracture a relationship

Dear Jeff and Lori

I had been dating my girlfriend for eight months when we decided to take a break in October. I love her, but we’ve had a few key problems from the beginning. We got to a point where we didn’t know how to stop arguing over these issues and thought a little time apart would help us re-center and get a little clarity on what we needed to make the relationship work. I went to Mexico with the intention of doing just that, but met a really cool woman while I was there. We spent a few weeks together and part of me is interested in getting to know her more. My problem is that when I came home, my girlfriend told me she loves me and is wanting to work on our relationship. I’m willing to put in the work with her to give it a real try, but I don’t know if I should tell her about this other woman I met. I won’t pursue a romantic relationship with her, but I don’t want to completely cut her friendship off either. What should I do?

Signed, Spill the Mexican Beans?

What to do when caring for aging parents puts stress on your relationship

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have been married for twenty-six years and have had a fulfilling relationship raising our kids and supporting each other through life’s challenges. We’ve thoroughly enjoyed reconnecting since our kids moved out, but now my husband’s parents are both in their late eighties and have health and financial challenges. My husband’s solution is to have them move in with us but I have some serious hesitations to this suggested arrangement. While we do have the physical space to accommodate, I’m not sure we have the mental and emotional bandwidth to take on this new level of responsibility, especially since we’ve only been empty nesters for less than a year. Am I being too selfish?

Signed, Parenting Our Parents

Boyfriend wants me to set boundaries with my ex's family

Dear Lori and Jeff,

When I was in high school, I was much closer to my boyfriend’s parents than I was to my own. Even after we broke up, I maintained a close relationship with them and still visit them whenever I’m back in my hometown. They helped me buy my first car and sometimes sent me money up until I was able to support myself. They are still a part of my life and send birthday and holiday gifts to my kids. My husband has never been comfortable with my relationship with my ex’s parents, and now that my ex is single again, my husband is asking me to set some stronger boundaries with them. I know their feelings will be hurt if I do so and truthfully, I don’t really want to. They have been the only real family I’ve had in my life. How do I navigate this?

Signed, Don’t Want To Choose

When to get back together after a break-up and when to walk away

Dear Jeff and Lori,

I recently went through a really tough and painful breakup. We had a huge blow-up fight about a month ago in which we erupted with every resentment, frustration and painful memory we had with one another. We both said that it was over and even though I didn’t want the relationship to end, I was willing to accept it. However, over the last two weeks, we’ve been spending time together and last night, after a few drinks, we slept together. It doesn’t feel like we’re back together, but we’re also not broken up. How do I figure out whether to try to make it work or to walk away?

Signed, Sort-Of-Maybe-Single

Are you speaking the same ‘Love Language’ or is affection lost in translation?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 years. We’ve periodically talked about getting married but I’ve struggled to make the commitment. We have similar values, interests and life goals, and in general I feel like we’re a good match for life partners. My hesitation is that I just don’t feel loved the way I’d like to. I don’t need to be adored or cherished, just to feel like I’m cared about and appreciated. I often compliment him and make little compromises to try to make his life easier, and just don’t feel that back from him. I believe he cares about me, but not sure if he’s willing to love me to the degree that I’ve been loving him. Sometimes I worry that we’re together because I keep showing up and have made it easy for him to not have to. How do I know?

How to stop constant arguing and learn to communicate

Dear Lori and Jeff,

From the outside, it looks like my wife and I have an ideal marriage. Our friends and family often make comments about how lucky we are to still be best friends after 9 years together. We truly love, respect and appreciate each other, but behind closed doors, we’re constantly short and irritable toward one another. When we met it was a whirlwind romance that swept us both up quickly and completely. We travelled all over the world together, abandoning the lives we were living for this amazing adventure. Now that we’re a little older, we’ve both felt the urge to slow down and settle down, but without all of the stimulation and distraction we’re just getting on each other’s nerves all the time. How do we actually have the relationship everyone thinks we have?

Signed, Is Our Adventure Over?

How to reconnect and rebuild after an affair

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have been through several significant rough patches in our 16 years of marriage. A year ago I learned he was newly involved in an affair. While it was a shock, I also recognize there were ways in which I hadn’t been showing up in the marriage. He cut off communication with the other woman and we agreed we wanted to stay together. However, we can’t seem to really reconnect. We care about each other and work well logistically in managing our home and the kids, but it always feels like we’re on eggshells. We just want to get back to where we were before the affair. How do we get back there.

Signed, Get It Back

What to do when fiancé's parents are insisting on a prenup

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My boyfriend and I are recently engaged. We’ve never really discussed finances and have kept most everything related to money separate. We split the cost of living expenses, even when we go out for dinner. After the engagement, he told me that his parents are insisting that I sign a prenup as apparently they have a lot of wealth and, unknown to me, so does he. He insists that he trusts me enough to marry me without a prenup and that it’s all his parents’ doing. I’m a bit overwhelmed by the whole thing. It’s not that I’m against signing one, I’m just not sure what it means and how it will impact our relationship.

Signed, Prenup Apprehension

She Said, He Said: A Relationship advice blog written by Married, Marriage Therapists

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