Are you speaking the same ‘Love Language’ or is affection lost in translation?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 years. We’ve periodically talked about getting married but I’ve struggled to make the commitment. We have similar values, interests and life goals, and in general I feel like we’re a good match for life partners. My hesitation is that I just don’t feel loved the way I’d like to. I don’t need to be adored or cherished, just to feel like I’m cared about and appreciated. I often compliment him and make little compromises to try to make his life easier, and just don’t feel that back from him. I believe he cares about me, but not sure if he’s willing to love me to the degree that I’ve been loving him. Sometimes I worry that we’re together because I keep showing up and have made it easy for him to not have to. How do I know?

How to stop constant arguing and learn to communicate

Dear Lori and Jeff,

From the outside, it looks like my wife and I have an ideal marriage. Our friends and family often make comments about how lucky we are to still be best friends after 9 years together. We truly love, respect and appreciate each other, but behind closed doors, we’re constantly short and irritable toward one another. When we met it was a whirlwind romance that swept us both up quickly and completely. We travelled all over the world together, abandoning the lives we were living for this amazing adventure. Now that we’re a little older, we’ve both felt the urge to slow down and settle down, but without all of the stimulation and distraction we’re just getting on each other’s nerves all the time. How do we actually have the relationship everyone thinks we have?

Signed, Is Our Adventure Over?

How to reconnect and rebuild after an affair

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have been through several significant rough patches in our 16 years of marriage. A year ago I learned he was newly involved in an affair. While it was a shock, I also recognize there were ways in which I hadn’t been showing up in the marriage. He cut off communication with the other woman and we agreed we wanted to stay together. However, we can’t seem to really reconnect. We care about each other and work well logistically in managing our home and the kids, but it always feels like we’re on eggshells. We just want to get back to where we were before the affair. How do we get back there.

Signed, Get It Back

Husband wants sex more than I do

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband seems to want sex all the time—or at least it seems that way because he constantly brings up that we don’t do it often enough. I think he’s overly focused on it and is unrealistic about how often married couples are actually physically intimate. He says his sex drive is normal and that all guys feel this way. I try to explain that I’m just not in the mood as often as he is but he just becomes irritable towards me. He says that men need regular sex and I should have known that when I agreed to marry him. The tension has just gotten worse over time. He’s not relenting, and I don’t want to force myself to have sex just to keep the peace. How do we get past this?

Signed, Not In The Mood

Wife lied about her sexual past

Dear Lori and Jeff,

A few months ago when my wife and I were unpacking from a move, I came across an old notebook that contained the names of 50 or 60 men. When I asked my wife about it she said it was just a group of college research project participants, but she was so nervous in answering that I knew she wasn’t being honest. When I pressed the issue, she admitted that it was a list of men she had slept with before meeting me. When we were getting serious in our relationship, we went through the usual disclosure of our sexual pasts and she had made it sound like she had only been with around 15 other guys, which is more in line with my history. I don’t want to hold the past against her, but I’m struggling with the fact that she lied to me about such an important topic. I feel like I was robbed of the chance to decide for myself whether or not her dating history was a deal-breaker. Our marriage is mostly good and we have a three-year old child so I don’t want to blow things up, but I’m left feeling betrayed and stuck. What should I do?

Signed, Haunted by Her History

Rebuilding trust after financial infidelity

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I just recently found out that my wife has been keeping a secret bank account. We married six years ago, and at that time agreed to combine our finances. We both work full time and contribute equally to building our nest egg. I’m not necessarily upset about the money, but I’m incredibly angry that she has been lying to me this whole time. I don’t know how I’m supposed to trust her again. I love her and the life that we have together, but fear that we won’t ever get past this. Please help.

Sincerely, In The Dark

Should we try an open marriage?

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I have been together for four years and going into the relationship, I was aware of her bisexual past. When she committed to a life with me, she said that she was both emotionally and physically fulfilled by our connection and ready to fully commit to me. In the past few months, she has hinted at the idea of bringing a good female friend of hers into our relationship, not just for sex, but for a long-term polyamorous experience. This is uncharted territory for me and I was hoping you could guide me through the process of making a decision on whether I’m ready for something like this.

Sincerely, Trio Tentative

Pressures of conceiving can bring to light other relationship problems

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I were both ambivalent about kids for a long time but about a year ago we decided we’d try to have one. The last few months have been really difficult. We never imagined it would take this long to conceive. My wife has begun micromanaging my life, assuming that I’m the problem. She’s fixated on what I’m eating and drinking, and how much time I’m on my bike. I can’t stand being around her right now, I just find myself wanting to point out all the things she’s not doing perfectly. IVF is expensive and not really feasible for us so I’m ready to move on as just the two of us, but frankly I’m scared to tell her that. It’s crazy. Neither of us were adamant about being parents before, but now she’s become obsessed. This whole process is destroying our relationship. How do we get back to where we were?

Signed Missing My Marriage

Wife wants me to do counseling on own before couples work

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife has been seeing a therapist for the past six months, working on some issues around the death of her mother and the resulting care of her father who suffers from dementia. She says she has learned a lot about herself and now realizes how unhappy she is with our marriage. She says she is willing to do couples counseling but not until I do my own counseling to resolve some of my own issues. I don’t want to lose the marriage and am willing to look at my baggage but it feels like she is setting a requirement for me that I’m not sure I know how to meet. Even if I do start my own counseling, how will she know when I’m “ready” to begin working on our marriage?

Signed, Told to Fly Solo

Boyfriend won't communicate about his feelings

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over three years and we’ve never really communicated very well. I’m more expressive with my feelings and I’m always sharing my experiences with him but he rarely lets me know how he’s feeling or if anything is bothering him. He says he doesn’t really have strong emotions and doesn't see the need to talk about them. He’s always saying, “that’s just how I am” and if I don’t like it I can find another guy who’s more in touch with his “feminine side.” I don’t want another guy but I wish he could just open up a little more and let me in. What should I do?

Signed, Wanting Deeper Connection

Torn between trip with friends and anniversary with wife

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’ve been invited to go on a guy’s bike trip this spring but it’s the same time as my anniversary when my wife had planned a weekend getaway. I was trying to figure out a way to overlap the two events by having my wife meet me right after the bike trip but I would also have to leave the bike trip a day early, which means they would have to change the route a bit to get me back in time. I know it looks like I’m tweaking things so that I can do it all, but I’m really just trying to make everyone happy. My wife says I’m trying to manipulate the situation and everyone involved so I can get what I want. What’s your take?

Signed, Am I Being Selfish?

Healthy communication requires knowing when to listen and when to offer advice

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I am really struggling with my husband who is a great guy but most of the time just doesn’t understand me. Whenever I ask to talk with him about something that’s bothering me, he jumps right in and tries to fix it without fully hearing what I have to say. While I appreciate his desire to help me, he seems to have no idea of how I’m feeling or what I’m actually going through. How can I get him to listen to me without needing to fix it every time?

Signed, Not Looking For A Handyman

Manage anger by being more open and vulnerable

Dear Lori and Jeff,

I’m finding that in the past several months, my fuse has gotten much shorter and I’ve been reacting to my wife with a higher level of anger and frustration than I ever have in the past. I’ve often felt like my wife can be a bit harsh and critical but I’ve always been able to deal with her comments before. Maybe it’s that we’re spending more time together because of COVID but I think it has more to do with a tipping point where I’ve just simply had enough. She says I need to get anger management help, which makes me feel like it’s all my fault. I think we need marriage counseling, which she refuses to do. What should I do?

Signed, Waning Wick

Wife stopped putting effort into her appearance

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife is a beautiful, amazing, multifaceted woman. We’ve been together 8 years and throughout our relationship she would play hard and get dirty just as often as she would put on a dress. Since COVID hit, I’ve really only seen her in sweats. I completely understand why—there hasn’t been much reason to dress up, and with all the stress it’s nice to just be comfortable. We still have fun together, but I miss relating with my feminine, sexy wife. I’m not expecting make-up and heels, but is there a way I can encourage her to wear something other than her daytime pajamas once in a while?

Signed, Sick of Sweats

For great sex, make sure your partner knows what you like and want

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have been together for almost six years and I still love him every bit as much as I did when we got married two years ago. The problem is that I’ve become less and less interested in sex with him as time has gone by. He’s a great guy, stable and responsible and attractive, but I sometimes fantasize about being swept away by some mysterious lover who can better fulfill my needs. I would never risk losing what we have or hurting him by leaving or having an affair but I know something has to change. Help!

Signed, Fifty Shades of Fantasy

Husband's work travel creating more conflict

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband travels often for business, which in itself is not an issue. He loves his work, and I enjoy having my independence while he’s gone. Where we struggle is the adjustment period each time he comes back home. For several days we seem like oil and water before we find our groove. Once we’re back in sync our relationship is great, but these good periods are too fleeting because the next flight is always just around the corner. I’m sad that we waste so much time being short with each other. How can we reconnect more quickly to enjoy more of our time together?

Signed, Up in the Air

How to move beyond conflict stalemates with your spouse

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My husband and I have been married for four years. For the first three years, we had normal ups and downs, but now we’ve gotten to the point where I think he needs to make some significant changes in how he shows up in the relationship and he says the same about me. The resentment has been growing on both sides and now neither one of us seems willing to budge enough to appease the other. How can we move forward without either of us having to feel like we’re just giving in?

Signed, Stuck In A Rut

How to parent adult children who moved back home

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife and I had been enjoying the first year without our kids in the house, as they are both in college out of state. Because of the virus, they’ve both been sent home and now we have a full house once again. Don’t get me wrong, I love spending more time with my kids, but they’ve gotten used to a more “unsupervised” lifestyle at college so my wife and I feel more like residence hall assistants than parents. We’ve also lost our privacy, which our kids don’t understand. My wife seems to be more accepting of the situation and I feel like I’m the odd man out. How do we stand firm together without creating an unmanageable situation?

Signed, Empty Nester No More

Wife keeps rehashing the past and won't let it go

Dear Lori and Jeff,

My wife of two years and I seem to have very different ways of dealing with conflicts in our marriage. I am able to get over things pretty quickly and move on but my wife seems to hold on and can’t let go. Even when she seems to have moved on, she inevitably brings things back up as ammunition for an argument or conflict we’re having in the present. I’ve told her many times that this kind of behavior doesn't work for me and she promises to work on it but she never does. Any ideas?

Signed, I Wish She’d Get Over It

Surviving Time In Quarantine Together

Dear Jeff and Lori,

My husband and I truly do love and respect each other, but I worry about being isolated together for weeks on end. We’re both very independent and invested in our careers, but as of now our work is fairly limited and we have an abundance of time on our hands together. The first week went well, treating it as a mini vacation to relax together, but already I can tell we’re starting to grate on one another. Can you give us some tips for how our relationship can stay strong through this?

Signed, Qualms in Quarantine

She Said, He Said: A Relationship advice blog written by Married, Marriage Therapists

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